The family is a haven in a heartless world.

Growing up everyone always says, "well one day you will be glad to have your brother and when that day comes you will realize you shouldn't pick on him so much because he will be bigger than you."
That day came faster than I thought when my brother pinned me down in the heat of a fight in high school, not much longer after he started wrestling.
Yeah, I was stupid for that one. I deserved it.
Being one of the boys taught me a lot of things that I didn't realize until I grew up. It taught me to fight when necessary and work hard for what you want. That make-up and high heels are necessary and only use them when you need them the most. It made me independent, no relying on anyone else to get things done for me. If you want it done right, do it yourself. It also taught me to fight things out. Well, as my mother would say, "take it outside, I don't want any of your blood on my carpet."
Who could blame her?
I truly believe that is the way to handle things though. Maybe not always physically, especially because I would frequently lose against my brother these days, but always just you and whoever you have the problem with. I believe fighting is part of life. I've grown closer to my brothers by fighting with them. And fighting for them.
It wasn't until I started having chick friends that I realized that this is a little unacceptable in girl world. For whatever reason, you aren't supposed to ever fight or you are never friends again. Like Cady says in "Mean Girls," in girl world, all the fighting is done behind closed doors.
It doesn't take much for them to turn on you and when they do, expect your secrets to be spread amongst surrounding friends. Expect a silent war where every friend has to take a side, or else. It's ridiculous.
And then I remembered how much cleaning I've done.
And I let it go.
And moved on.
Drama free life.
I must admit it is difficult to keep friends close after all this. You feel like you can't trust anybody. And to be honest, right now I don't. I only trust strangers, a journal, my family, and I guess you people (strangers of the internet).
Because those you trust with secrets will tell them, no matter what they say. They will tell them to someone who would be interested. Or, if you upset them, even those who wouldn't.
But now, none of it matters.
As I watched my grandmother breathing on a ventilator, kidney's failing, in the intensive care unit tonight, I realized I didn't care about any of it. Even if she doesn't make it through the weekend, she will take whatever parts of my heart and soul I entrusted to her with her to the grave.
As will the rest of my family.
I look around at a lot of families who aren't as comfortable with each other and I can't help but thank God. Even if everything in my life is going wrong, I am still so lucky to be a part of this group of people. They are so welcoming to everyone and pass no judgments. We are a family of people that make huge mistakes without the money to buffer them. But it is the greatest of sinners that have the most compassionate and forgiving hearts.
And that is what makes Thanksgiving my favorite holiday. The realization of what you have. I realize it every year because this is when I get to see my family, everyone stays at home for Christmas.
As I held back tears to make my grandmother think I was strong enough to hold her pain and be positive about the situation, I couldn't help but realize how fragile life is. How important every stupid test they run is. When you hold you breath waiting for results or sit bedside encouraging zen and peace into the room so she can breathe well enough to take the ventilator out, that's when you realize what you truly love.
Hospitals are horribly depressing places.
But they are places where hope shines, no matter how feebly, and where families grow stronger.
Your thoughts, prayers, chants, etc. would be appreciated in that I will be able to spend at least one more Thanksgiving with my grandmother.

Nerdy Post

Do you ever wonder what God (or an alternate higher power) was thinking when He made you?
Why the stubbornness? And this hair color?
I have wondered this ever since I started playing The Sims in middle school. This is my nerdy side. I would love to tell you about all my sims and their characteristics, but that's a little too personal for me. Don't judge me.
I love going in to create a new sim. Of course I love creating ones that emulate myself or the people I know. It really makes me think hard about us as humans and the things we do often that express our personalities and define who we are.
I can't imagine the process God went through.
I must admit I change things about myself in The Sims. I bestow a "lucky" personality trait upon myself, for one. Well, that's mostly because it makes playing the game easier since bad stuff hardly happens.
True, I am very spoiled in my life, but of course, we would all love for life to be as easy as possible.
So what was he thinking?
"Oh I will make her stubborn. And she'll have a southern accent. It will be hilarious. I can't wait to see her face this and that. And why not make her a lover of the ocean and a hater of football? Oh, and sociable yet distant. She would be perfect for her stubborn father and loving mother."
It's a curious thought.
It makes me wonder what's next in my action list?
What's after this quarter-life crises?
"I'll remove most of her friends and comforts, then..."
Then what?
There's a lot of emptiness now. So what are we going to fill it with big man?
I must admit I'm excited and anxious to see.
"Have your adventures, make your mistakes, and choose your friends poorly - all these make for great stories." -Chuck Palahniuk

"Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud, and I know that you'll use them however you want to"

Times are hard, peeps. Everyone is growing up so fast.
I can't wait for thanksgiving. I want to be around my family so bad. My friends have disappointed me so much this year, I just want to get to my favorite holiday already.
I never thought I would say this, but everyone was right. The older you are, the more you realize your family is all you have. I've grown so close to them through everything. With them, I have "tenure." They can't leave me. And I know they wouldn't even if they had the choice.
But it is times like these. The ones where you are broke, cleaning hotel rooms to make ends meet, failing school, trying to figure out what you're going to do with your life, and the things you need most disappear.
Well, the ones you thought you needed.
It is these periods in my life that I realize how amazing I have it. I don't usually name names, but I want you to know I have amazing friends.
Allyson,
Ben,
Wes,
Caitlin,
Kelly,
Julie,
Victoria,
Brittany,
Maggie,
Moorea.
In fact, over the course of my life, I have collected quite a few friends who were amazing. Apparently amazing enough for other people to take, but that's neither here nor there.
I have it good. Despite these desperate times, there are people who are still with me.
I still have my music. And I still have my health. And my starbucks giftcard.
Just breathe.

When I started this blog, I would have never imagined it would have developed into this.
As I have moved through this social media class, I have been wondering what "focus" I want this blog to have. Why did I start it? Where should it go from here?
For those of you who have been around for a while, this blog is mostly just my stupid thoughts. I'm too lazy to hand write them and I hate taking the time to open Word.
So, here they are. For the vast of the internet to see.
When I started this blog, it was set to private. For whatever reason, I changed it one day. It gets more views than I thought it would. I don't know why anyone cares to follow the path of a crazy girl, but I hope it is at least entertaining.
I read a tweet from Joel Zimmerman (deadmau5) that he posted when he was clearly a bit distressed. He posted a few more about being upset and then says, 'maybe I should write a blog post.'
"yes you should. it's amazingly therapeutic." i tweeted back.
After a while he thanked all his followers for their support.
So, thank YOU. Thank you for listening. You are my therapy.
I do my best to be honest about my thoughts here. As embarrassing as it may be to semi-publicly share your thoughts with the world, I feel if I decided to start this out as my place to pour my heart, it is here that I will continue to do so. I really don't connect with humans enough to keep me sane.
This makes you my invisible friend.
Always listening. Not saying much back. (Of course I thoroughly encourage feedback)
Welcome to the circle.
Again, should that be the focus? Entertainment?
I'm really not funny enough to be a comedic writer.
I don't travel enough for this to be a travel blog. And when I do, I often don't have the time to be a tourist.
I move along the fitness path a little too slowly to be a fitness blogger. I don't share or get enough information to pass along to you, albeit I have discovered a lot of things I can quickly pass on through my Twitter and Pinterest accounts.
So now what?
Who I am?
Well, I am unfocused. I can't honestly say I'm enough of a fitness freak to dedicate this solely to my work out diaries. No one pays me to travel, so, in consideration of my budget, I can't offer you worlds of travel advice. Just a bit in small doses.
I am a person of ever changing focus. I love learning new things. And I love talking about the new things I learned.
So what I can officially confirm about this blog, is it will never be focused.
It will forever be "The Life and Times of Madison Sites."

You Want Something. Go Get It. Period.

It's hard to stare the truth in the face. Especially when you don't know what to do with it.
More so when you are graduating with a degree you don't want in 25 weeks.
I can't believe I'm finally saying it, but I don't want to do this anymore. I've considered being a professor in business, but I can't stand business.
Looking back, I wish I would have listened to myself in the first place and gone to art school.
Unfortunately I ride the strange line of lacking the personality and skills to belong in business school and also lacking the quirkiness for art school.
So I'm staring my life down wondering what to do next.
What do I do after May 5?
How do I transition, if ever?
I've been thinking a lot on what I love and what I hate doing. What is it I loved about hospitality that made me choose this route?
The travel. The experience I could give others. Working in exotic places.
Now I'm realizing I could travel more with an education background. So why not be a professor?
Because I don't care enough about business. I love the schedule professor offers and, as far as business goes, the pay ain't so bad either.
I love my camera. I want to learn how to do that better.
I've always been the person called on for creative projects at work, poster designs and stupid stuff like that - I just wish I had the skills and programs to do it better.
When I think back to high school and how much I loved designing the literary/arts magazine, I wonder what the hell I was thinking doing this.
Don't let anyone tell you that you can't do something, even if it's an art teacher saying you won't survive art school. Now I may never know.
And I hate myself for listening.
I've always been the good child that takes the advice I'm told. I don't act on impulse regarding life decisions. I think sensibly and fairly maturely for a lot of my life.
I push myself in school and work to make everyone proud.
But here I am, burnt out and bored.
Staring at everything I've accomplished and not caring. I have my pick of a job or a graduate school.
Why did I wait until I the world at my feet to decide I didn't want this life?
Stupid girl.
"Life's too short to wait any longer."

Kemmons Wilson Scholars

I have my final breakfast with the Kemmons Wilson family tomorrow. I thought I would share a video I made for them of my last couple years as a Kemmons Wilson Scholar here at the University of Memphis Kemmons Wilson School of Hospitality and Resort Management. Enjoy.

KW Scholars

Clean Up and Clear Out

I can't believe I just posted Hilary Duff video. Teenage me is flipping right now.

As I get to the end of this semester I begin to realize all the loose ends I have to tie up and all the F's I need to turn into at least C's. Just kidding.

Well, sort of.

Things are hard for everyone. It seems like everyone is having a rough week. Relationships, money, grades, time management, work, health: it's all pouring on us.

Generally I run through these things, but it seems I have ITB syndrome, which has temporarily shut down my running. Not so good for a crazy who uses it as therapy.

ITB is basically an injury in the band that runs from your hip down to your ankle. My injured spot is on my knee, which inflicts an unbearable pain concentrated in the knee that flows outward as I continue running. I ran over 2 miles through the pain a week and a half ago and when it started up before I was a mile into my run yesterday I decided to say something to my jogging instructor.

I nearly cried when she said I wouldn't be able to run the St. Jude Half Marathon straight through. I've worked so hard up until this point. What about everything that I have given this stuff, just for the system to fail me?

I've spent the last four years working my ass off academically (mostly A's) and here I am, barely passing classes.

I've worked so hard at each of my jobs, just to get laid off twice like I was nothing. And it took me so long to get work that I have to keep borrowing money to float my bills. It makes you wonder if you really are a decent candidate. What happens when I graduate?

I've worked hard at so many relationships just to watch them fall apart.

Can I get a win, God?

But when it pours, it really is cleansing. Humbling. Accepting.

I do have a job now. Be thankful. I will get caught up. As my dad's girlfriend told me recently, "It's just money." And that's it. Nothing more. Lay offs happen, then you stumble upon a magical adventure you didn't see before.

You can't let one part of your life (not having a job) affect another that you love. Sure, we aren't robots that separate each piece, not allowing them to affect the others at all times, but I've realized I'm wasting my time and killing my GPA by letting my ego be crushed with unemployment. I let my depression of not having a job and feeling like I have to start over in Memphis affect my school. It's not worth it. Especially since I love school.

And just as our lives aren't separate pieces, people aren't either. As I look back while I clean through my life and my house, I've realized how much I've learned. I used to be someone who either loved you or hated you.

The world was black and white.

People are good or bad.

Not so much. The world is a beautiful gray. People have flaws. They have beautiful humanity. And just as some have "shown their true colors," you can't forget what beautiful colors they are at either end of the spectrum. The good and the bad. Because no one is perfect and no one is wholly evil. Getting past this idea was really hard. You have to truly begin to love people, to understand and accept them.

Along the way I think I forgot that I was gray myself. I need to cut myself more slack. I'm human, too. I really did that this summer, especially in Paris. I took more time to breathe and happily accepted mistakes and flaws.

I think now I've realized that there are lots of people that are somewhere on the same path, either on the way to understanding the gray, past it, or have got a ways to go. And when some just don't get it yet, you can't let them continue to bring you down. There's nothing you can do about your bad side.

Sure, choose good more often, but accept and be accepted in that you are human as well. There are people who can't accept your bad, that happens. It's why we aren't close friends with the whole world. Accept it and move on. Find and cherish those that love your good and your bad.

I'm not perfect.

I'm not invincible.

My body has taught me that for sure. My shins cry out and my ITB turns away from the adventure.

Accept my limits. And realize that they are really just glasses.

I can see clearly now.

And maybe now I can see I have more time next semester to devote to learning how to swim like the pros for that triathlon I always wanted to do, but was too afraid to try.

"Let the rain fall down, I'm coming clean."