Clean Up and Clear Out

I can't believe I just posted Hilary Duff video. Teenage me is flipping right now.

As I get to the end of this semester I begin to realize all the loose ends I have to tie up and all the F's I need to turn into at least C's. Just kidding.

Well, sort of.

Things are hard for everyone. It seems like everyone is having a rough week. Relationships, money, grades, time management, work, health: it's all pouring on us.

Generally I run through these things, but it seems I have ITB syndrome, which has temporarily shut down my running. Not so good for a crazy who uses it as therapy.

ITB is basically an injury in the band that runs from your hip down to your ankle. My injured spot is on my knee, which inflicts an unbearable pain concentrated in the knee that flows outward as I continue running. I ran over 2 miles through the pain a week and a half ago and when it started up before I was a mile into my run yesterday I decided to say something to my jogging instructor.

I nearly cried when she said I wouldn't be able to run the St. Jude Half Marathon straight through. I've worked so hard up until this point. What about everything that I have given this stuff, just for the system to fail me?

I've spent the last four years working my ass off academically (mostly A's) and here I am, barely passing classes.

I've worked so hard at each of my jobs, just to get laid off twice like I was nothing. And it took me so long to get work that I have to keep borrowing money to float my bills. It makes you wonder if you really are a decent candidate. What happens when I graduate?

I've worked hard at so many relationships just to watch them fall apart.

Can I get a win, God?

But when it pours, it really is cleansing. Humbling. Accepting.

I do have a job now. Be thankful. I will get caught up. As my dad's girlfriend told me recently, "It's just money." And that's it. Nothing more. Lay offs happen, then you stumble upon a magical adventure you didn't see before.

You can't let one part of your life (not having a job) affect another that you love. Sure, we aren't robots that separate each piece, not allowing them to affect the others at all times, but I've realized I'm wasting my time and killing my GPA by letting my ego be crushed with unemployment. I let my depression of not having a job and feeling like I have to start over in Memphis affect my school. It's not worth it. Especially since I love school.

And just as our lives aren't separate pieces, people aren't either. As I look back while I clean through my life and my house, I've realized how much I've learned. I used to be someone who either loved you or hated you.

The world was black and white.

People are good or bad.

Not so much. The world is a beautiful gray. People have flaws. They have beautiful humanity. And just as some have "shown their true colors," you can't forget what beautiful colors they are at either end of the spectrum. The good and the bad. Because no one is perfect and no one is wholly evil. Getting past this idea was really hard. You have to truly begin to love people, to understand and accept them.

Along the way I think I forgot that I was gray myself. I need to cut myself more slack. I'm human, too. I really did that this summer, especially in Paris. I took more time to breathe and happily accepted mistakes and flaws.

I think now I've realized that there are lots of people that are somewhere on the same path, either on the way to understanding the gray, past it, or have got a ways to go. And when some just don't get it yet, you can't let them continue to bring you down. There's nothing you can do about your bad side.

Sure, choose good more often, but accept and be accepted in that you are human as well. There are people who can't accept your bad, that happens. It's why we aren't close friends with the whole world. Accept it and move on. Find and cherish those that love your good and your bad.

I'm not perfect.

I'm not invincible.

My body has taught me that for sure. My shins cry out and my ITB turns away from the adventure.

Accept my limits. And realize that they are really just glasses.

I can see clearly now.

And maybe now I can see I have more time next semester to devote to learning how to swim like the pros for that triathlon I always wanted to do, but was too afraid to try.

"Let the rain fall down, I'm coming clean."