The End of an Era

I hope you all had a wonderful Fourth of July. I had completely forgotten about it until a guest wished me a happy one on his way out.
I can't help, but wonder if I will ever celebrate another fourth of july with the family out on the lake. Not in a sad, depressing, I think I'm going to die kind of way.
More so, my life has changed so much without my realizing it, kind of way.
Every time I push off onto one of these adventures without knowing a soul where I am going, I become a little bit more of a loner.
Again, not a depressing loner, just more of an introspective kind of person with a lot more independence than the average girl.
I've always been on the more independent side, I guess that's what you get when you're raised along side boys. No whining or waiting on someone to do it with you, if you want it, go get it, go do it.
Meaning, in the 6th grade and even now to a point, if you have to urinate, damn it, go pee. You don't have to wait on another girl to go with you.
Don't wait on someone to say they will go with you to Disney, or take you to Paris, or move to China with you, go do it.
Because if you aren't willing to do it by yourself, do you really want to do it at all?
I love going to do things with my friend Caitlin. When we did Bonnaroo, with my brother, too, of course, I spent a lot of time without her. It's not that we were fighting. It's that we wanted to see different shows and, so we did, no feelings hurt. If I wanted to go see and do something but she and my brother didn't, I left them. No feelings of being teamed up against or anything.
I didn't appreciate it then, but I did when I got around people that weren't exactly like that. Not that they're bad people, they're just not people you go to music festivals with, I still love them.
Having that dependence on someone to do something with you puts a lot of stress on a relationship. What if they back out or never actually make real plans to go?
You get frustrated and feelings hurt and, boom, no more friends.
With that being said, I give a lot of my friends a lot of space. I don't have many close ones, but I love the ones I do keep close. And when I say "keep close," I often mean going a month without talking about them. I never knew I did this until someone asked if I was upset. I guess most of my friends have learned to deal that I drop off for a while and that I'm not the emotional friend, I'm only going to open up so much.
Anyway, that kind of dependence can really end up hurting you and keeping you from doing the things you love and want to do.
I love Fight Club. It is one of only 3 movies I own on iTunes so that I can have it for when I travel (the other 2 being very opposing "10 Things I Hate About You" and "Moulin Rouge").
"The things you own end up owning you."
When I got my e-mail, letting me know that I had been terminated, it was weird.
Backstory: Disney started a new rule that we have to work something like 120 hours every year and submit our availability for the next quarter, every quarter. I don't make plans that far in advance, so I kept saying I would work in the last quarter available to get hours in before being fired.
I had decided a while back that I would no longer submit my availability, because I realized that when I applying for the Peace Corps and graduate school, that there was no way I was going to be able to afford to keep making these trips just to work for minimum wage and keep perks that I didn't really care about making a trip that often to use.
It was hindering me.
Keeping me from considering the Peace Corps and pushing me to only consider the University of Central Florida for graduate school, a sub-par business school.
It was weird to read that e-mail and realize that such a life-changing era of my life that has been the last 3 years was over.
I would still have my friends, but we would never be as close again.
I'm done with Disney, done with college, and even moved out of house, kind of. I can't help but wonder if I will actually go back to permanently living with dad ever again after this. What happens next? Will I go back to school at home? Take a job in the states? Take another job abroad again?
"When you've lost everything you have the freedom to do anything."
I have the freedom to do whatever I want.
Even though I don't think it will truly sink in until I see everyone talking about being back in school in the fall, it is still strange to know that I am a free agent, done with my education. My life has been 15 week commitments up to this point. How am I supposed to settle down and get a real job, with an indefinite ending and full time hours, after this?
I don't have to go back to school.
I don't have to plan a trip to Disney within every 6 months anymore.
I don't have to do anything.
No commitments.
As strange as it feels, I kind of like it.
But I also fear the next move. I'm supposed to get a real job.
But I don't want the feeling of being tied down to a real job that I may not like but won't quit on account of not wanting to lose health coverage or take a pay cut.
Can't I just do 6 month internships all my life? Learn new things all the time before moving on to a different experience.
I know it's not really socially acceptable, especially since I have the expectations that come with have a college degree now. It's funny that without a college degree, people don't seem to expect you to do anything and don't really care what you do, but with it, you "waste" your time you spent and the money if you take a job that isn't on par.
Wasn't a degree supposed to give you the freedom to do what you want?
Although, if you breeze through life, you never stick around to build something worthy, I guess.
Hippie rant over.
Much love.