"In this meaningless life of mine I have seen both of these: a righteous man perishing in his righteousness & a wicked man living long in his wicked."

(Ecclesiastes 7:15)
About six months ago I decided that the generic American movie industry and television was not enough. I really don't watch television, I haven't since Freshman year of high school. Maybe it wasn't that television was bad after all, it is just there wasn't anything that engaged me. Then I discovered documentaries.
I love them. I learn so much more from them than these stupid same shit, different bag movies. They are incredibly well done and made for a purpose. It really makes me wonder what I'm doing.
I mean I spent last night bored out of my mind at work and it is finals week. I should be a stressed out study freak.
I feel like my brain is rotting away.
Surely I am meant for more that this.
Then again, this will have to suffice considering my school schedule. I shouldn't expect anything semi-engaging until next year or even after graduation.
I feel like my studies are useless. Don't get me wrong. I love school and I love learning, but it just feels like I'm not learning that much or enough. I think that I have pushed myself too far, in that, I am having a lot of life experiences early.
I got a job and started paying a lot of bills early.
I think more long run than most students.
I feel like I missed out on my youth, maybe.
I had my desk job before I graduated highschool.
Check.
And never going back - talk about under stimulation.
With this front desk job, I have my entry-level position at the property level.
Check.
And not sure I'm coming back.
It is nice to be apart of people's vacations and everyday work week lives, I really love it. But it is not enough. I guess it is too quiet. We don't offer enough services or, quite simply, the city is not big enough.
I would really love to be in a big city, but I really love the outdoors and don't want to miss out on nature. Then again, would I be bored out of my mind, too, on a tropical island. As lovely as they are, would it be enough?
Am I getting greedy now?
Hospitality was my way out. It was a sure ticket that I would be getting out of Memphis. But what am I leaving for?
What is really going to satisfy me? If I have decided that I am leaving, what is it I intend on leaving and what will I replace it with?
And the big question lately...
Why?
What is the point of it all?
Lately I have felt very apathetic towards everything. Probably because I am still suffering from the after effects of throwing my life off balance and into the grindstone. I have noticed that, while I like working for someone and having concrete results of my efforts in the long run, I need results now.
I'm tired of living in the secure bubble of working for the corporation. I have the drive to work outside 9-5. Anyone who takes 21 college hours and 40 hours of work a week should.
So why settle?