Just Madison

I'm not sure if there is a law in blogging limiting blog entries to once per day or not. But, oh well, I'm a rebel.
I have been super mopey the last couple days, especially this morning, regarding the whole relationship ending situation. I just can't help it though.
I mean, we have been through much worse together before. First we spend too much time together, so I make a bit of my own life so he doesn't feel any pressure to hang out with me. Now we don't spend enough. And instead of taking advantage of time we have or planning dates in advance. I guess it just sucks to really try just to have him show up express his feelings and already made decision and then expect my suggestions.
Why would you ask for my feelings and suggestions if you have already decided?
Aren't you supposed to do that BEFORE?
I feel kind of guilty subjecting depressing poison upon the blogging world. My apologies.
It took everything in me to leave the house this morning. I woke up early to get my life together, clean my room and do at least one thing with my appearance to cheer myself up (be it actually blow drying and straightening my hair, putting on make-up, or doing some crunches).
I cried.
I left the house late, looking a wreck (to compliment my still destroyed room).
A block away I thought about turning around to spend my day in bed until work.
Then my aunt called.
She could hear it in my voice.
I should have known. Why did I even answer the phone?!
Instantly I could hear her heart melting after I told her what happened. I really felt bad telling her since I didn't feel like I could be cheered up, but I couldn't keep it from her, I'm just not that good.
She went on for the rest of my drive to school saying how much better I was than him, ha! It still felt good, as petty as it sounds. While none of it was probably true, it still kept me from walking into class with completely shot eyes riding the edge of a breakdown.
I couldn't help but be distracted through my first class. I simply couldn't focus on anything but myself. I'm so selfish right now.
I just wanted out of there. I really didn't want to see anyone or explain anything. Fortunately, most thought I was just tired. In a way I guess I am. I have really exhausted myself- how pitiful!
In a way I was really dreading my F & B class. I know more people in there and knew they would know. But as soon as my friends came in it was a different story. You forget how funny and incredible people are until you are really down like this. They were so incredibly...hospitable. Just having their presence made all the difference in the world.
I am so lucky to have such great friends. And such awesome people in my major. They helped me joke about the situation, which is what I would normally do in any humiliating or upsetting situation. I just realized how much I was not acting like myself.
It was a little embarrassing.
I don't think I deserve them.
By the time I got to work, I was down again. Frick.
I really tried hard to smile though. At first I really hated that I worked with people. Why can't I just work in a cave with a computer all day so I can just cry and type and be self-centered!?
My dad came into work tonight. He met the people I work with and the guests I serve. Hearing them talk about me to my father almost made me cry. They were so excited to meet him for some reason. But it really made my day.
I just had another guest call down asking to extend his stay because of our service. Not saying that in a "tooting my own horn" manner. I'm beginning to feel like I come across that way here. I'm sorry.
It just feels nice.
Especially on such an awful day, I really think the dreary weather has enhanced my mood.
But has it really been that bad? I have absolutely incredible friends. So many people have called and text and sent fb messages.
They know me. They knew I would be upset.
One has even invited me over for girls night in to drown our sorrows in sangria.
A toast goodbye to the stupid boy that said I wasn't good enough.
No more tears, no more time.
Hello Madison.
Just Madison.