This Is Morning

I really love Jack's Mannequin. And this one is perfect for today. Morning is definitely the hardest when you are sad about anything really. I can easily fill a day to occupy my mind. I can run myself down so that when I hit the bed Im too tired to think about anything else.
But in the morning, things are different.
Mornings are the beginning of everything.
Another day.
The first decision of the day.
Should I get up?
Why?
What will I do with the day?
Will it be worth it?
Will anyone notice if I stay here and dream?
It is when you jerk back to reality and realize what happened the day, the week, even the year before. You recognize changes. Changes in the amount of light, the time of day, and, for whatever reason that someone isn't there that used to be. Even if you didn't live with them.
My counselor "watered" this situation down to a change. I'm not insulting him or anyone, but I guess that is a good way to look at it. A simple change. He went on to describe it as similar to losing a loved one, via death. He recommended I research the five stages of grieving.
Pitiful.
I thought that was a ridiculous thing to say. A little dramatic.
Was I acting this stupid to suggest that?
But its true.
Three and a half years is a long time.
I actually found them really helpful though. It helps me realize that this is a process. Not a bad thing, but the process to a new life.
I can't assume that after a couple of good hours that I am good to go forever. Those are the days you go to bed and wake up sobbing.
When I woke up this morning I felt like I was in a hotel by myself. My aunt's house is beautiful. Beautifully decorated, always clean. It's like living in a show room. A comfortable showroom.
It was really depressing to feel like I was just another customer in this one room hotel.
I have a strange imagination.
But when I went downstairs to see my family, I realized how important they were and their hospitality was for me right now and at thanksgiving. This house is just another showroom without them.
How could I be unhappy when they all stayed up late into the night, although everyone was extremely exhausted, to talk to me and listen and complain about the now ex-boyfriend and how he would never be good enough.
Happy.
It sucks to be told that your significant other is tired of being in a relationship with because it is going nowhere.
You take it personal.
You can't help it.
But after talking to them and another wonderful friend of mine at the coffee shop, it feels good to know that I don't pull anything down or back.
I am going somewhere with or without him.
But not without the help of the amazing people I have been blessed to have in my life.