Paris: Day 24

Tomorrow begins my last week in Paris. I really can't believe it is nearly over. I still have so much I want to see and do.

On my walk to school today I thought about how much I was going to miss that walk everyday. And I wondered if I could start walking to class in Memphis. Then I remembered that I have more than just one class with a tiny book. Harvey (my car) is basically a huge locker for me throughout the day.

After class I ran a few errands and took a wonderful nap in the sunshine. My bed is right next to the window and it is almost always open. It felt great to sleep with sunshine on my face.

On my walk I thought more and more about my unofficial impromptu "happiness project." As I have been reading, I have been absent-mindedly thinking and trying to apply little things I read to my life. I would really love to do the project in 2012. Maybe I could get a few people to join in, too and we could all blog about it!

Even though I am away from my friends, I'm definitely becoming happier. Mostly just by recognizing more and more of who I am. Instead of denying myself things daily, I try and say yes immediately if I can. Vague, I know. For instance, if I wanted to listen to another song, just that song, on my way to school, I wouldn't do it unless I wanted to listen to the whole album. I felt like there HAD to be a theme or one album for the commute to school. Now, if I want to listen to a song and maybe switch again, I will.

I know it sounds stupid, but that's just the small example.

Now, I allow myself to dream. No more planning, only dreaming. Before I wouldn't allow myself to think about moving to Orlando or think about anything but "getting through" now. I stayed in the present, so that I could get to the future. A future that deep down, I knew I wasn't going to enjoy. I sacrificed all the time like I was some damn work and/or school martyr. I spent too much of my time resume building and not enough living. I realized that if I keep "sacrificing now" to benefit later for everything, I never get to the fun part.

I think there is a big difference in sucking things up for now to get what you know you want later and gritting your teeth through life just because what you're doing or what it will bring in the future is SUPPOSED to make you happy. For instance, I HATE getting ready for a run. I procrastinate it so bad, but once I'm out there. I love it. I love my life. I love the feeling after. I get through the bad part because I know I will enjoy the results enough for it to be worth it.

I love questioning myself and not listening to others on my happiness now. I feel like I am finally learning who I am. I pay attention to what I enjoy (walking, being outside, reading everyday, music, playing video games, musicals, spending time with my family) and especially to what I don't enjoying (going out, talking about politics, business classes, luncheons). Why is it that I don't like these things? What specifically do I not enjoy and how do I learn from it to make sure I don't mistakenly waste my time doing something else. Essentially, do I hate all business classes or just business statistics?

When I was running yesterday, I felt like I climb a huge brick wall. I accepted my life. I accepted that I could change it at anytime with no obligations to anyone (well I guess after school). I love this monologue that Brad Pitt does in Benjamin Button (I think I have posted it before):

It's like I finally have the strength to start over in a way. Clean the slate. And what fun it is to do so in Paris.

Today we hit up Notre Dame. After an hour wait in line for the tower (everyone has to wait, even if you buy tickets online, I guess it is best to go early in the day for the shortest wait). European Union students get in free. That means yours truly since I go to Sorbonne! Gosh the perks of being a student in Europe are SO much better than in the states. When I figure out what I'm doing with my life, maybe I will come back for school.

We climbed for what seemed like forever. Oh it hurt so bad.

I can run 8 miles, but climbing stairs? Ugh.

At the top though, it was worth the climb.

The beauty of the gothic architecture was more than I could have ever imagined it to be. Now I want to go watch the hunchback of notre dame.

From there we were off to Montemarte, my favorite part of town with all its artsy flair. There were more stairs to climb this time at Sacre Coeur, but the view was even better. I'm definitely going back to Sacre Coeur one last time before I leave. I love being in Montemarte, but especially just being in Sacre Coeur. As anti-church as I have been the last few years, it is nice to enjoy church without having to deal with the judgmental people. I feel like I get something out of it everytime. And during my run yesterday, I felt like I really had time with God, too. As if it was a follow up from the last time I was at Sacre Coeur, with no answers and really no way to formulate questions.

It was like it hit me yesterday to just accept. "Be still and know that I am God."

I have no idea where life is taking me, but I think I like that better.

More dreaming.

Less planning.