Paris: Day 20

This morning we got up early to go to the beach to watch the sunrise.

Well I couldn't sleep last night so I ended up skyping my friends in Orlando until I actually had to go because I was going to miss the sunrise. Unfortunately we couldn't go straight to the beach because the reception didn't open until 8 am. And when it costs a euro to take the tram to the beach, you don't want to keep coming back and forth. So we waited around, enjoying the beautiful last morning. I had a couple cups of coffee with plenty of milk.

So American.

It really reminded me of home, back when I was younger. Before my parents divorced, my mom would make me coffee everyday. Since I was 7. Essentially I drank coffee everyday for 11 years.

Crazy I know.

When she moved out, she took the coffee pot.

I'm lazy and I can't make coffee with love.

So I quit.

Cold Turkey.

And it was painful.

But I remember that month everytime I think about purchasing a coffee pot. Sure it is nice to go to Starbucks every once in a while, but if I had my own pot it would become an addiction again.

In "The Happiness Project," the author talks about deny yourself something to make yourself happy. Sure, I wasn't happy at first to deny myself coffee, but it is nice to know I can travel wherever and not have to worry about how I will get coffee in the morning.

It is a small sense of freedom.

I don't like having limits. Well, who does anyway?

I also like denying myself crappy food and adding water in. It makes my runs that much more rewarding.

There are a lot of things in life that are so rewarding after it all. I have a friend that is dealing with her boyfriend leaving to do the Disney internship. And yeah, that hurts. But it is such a rewarding closeness to be without someone, either a lover or even my friends in Orlando, for a while. Denying yourself seeing those people everyday allows your more strength on your own and a chance to better understand yourself. It is possibly one of the strongest learning experiences I encounter when I let go of someone for a while or I leave my whole world (first Memphis, then the country) to be all alone.

As hard as it has been, I could never regret doing this. I think the times when I have ruined a relationship (friend or boyfriend) are when I become too dependent on that relationship. When you are too scared to trust in the relationship to let it stand on its own without your control for a while, bad things happen.

Do something that scares you.

Jump into life on your own. I have been amazed at what I have found.

As I slept the mid morning away topless again on the beach, I thought about how many friends I have lost this summer while I have been away. And how many relationships will be unaffected. Stronger even.

It makes me even more grateful for those that I have.

Gratitude is one of the key components in the Spirituality portion of "The Happiness Project" for the month of August. She reads all the depressing books, like the memoirs of people who lost a battle to cancer, or raising a kid with down syndrome.

Crazy awful things.

But it makes you grateful.

You can't help but thank your respective higher being, mine being God.

As our train wove through the French countryside, I couldn't help but thank God for the opportunity to see all that beauty. And at the same time, be sad that I would probably never have the time or money to see it all as a pedestrian or citizen of one of these towns.

You can do anything, but you can't do everything.

Still, you should be grateful.

It felt good to get home to Paris today.

It was so weird to type "home" and "Paris" into one sentence. I guess you don't realize what home is until you aren't there anymore. And I guess that even though I don't dress or act like a Parisian, I am becoming one in my own way for this last bit.

I missed the metro and all the different types of people.

I missed Mouffetard and my favorite Italian restaurant.

I missed my apartment with the view overlooking the local park.

I missed having more than the beach and a couple museums.

It feels good to be "home."