Blended, Mixed, Shaken or Stirred - whatever you call it, the family is best served with alcohol.

I met my new step family last night.
It was...interesting.
I was expected a strict family oriented around grandpa's ministry life, although he recently retired. I expected a perfect family with their life in order.
I was not excited.
I got something a lot different.
I really like them all, though. I guess you think of this situation as just a decision made by your mother to marry this guy. But, when you think about it, she married this guy because he will like you and your siblings and get along with them, at least you hope she thinks that. So why wouldn't his family?
They were an incredibly imperfect and eclectic bunch.
His brother and sister-in-law are so fun and an do what they love. They have a 14 year old daughter who is very energetic and creative. And now they are adopting twin baby girls. I was shocked. I mean, they already have a biological 14 year old, what a gap and why adopt?
Because they simply need a family and they have a home and would love to have them.
Why not?
They do things they want to do without the judgement of others. The babies are even the spawn of a married couple who already have children. They simply live in a house that is too small and don't have the finances to raise a set of girls. They have accepted their limits and realized what it takes to make sure their children are well taken care of.
It brings joy to the soul.
And their grandmother isn't anything like a pastor's wife. She is witty and smart. She isn't just subjected to his and/or his churches approval. At least that is the impression I get. These are people who are comfortable being themselves.
People who love their God by being strong in who they are.
Who would have thought.

Zapping Myself Bald Part Two

I seem to have forgotten to update on the laser hair removal.
Well about a week ago I notice that the hair coming back in was SUPER thin and light - I had black hair. I forgot to keep up with noticing it daily, so, my apologies, I don't know if it actually took 5-7 for it to actually fall out.
I'm really curious to see if it will actually be gone in 3 treatments, only two more!
Right now Groupon has a deal going on again for 3 treatments at $99 at Cosmedic Solutions in Cordova, TN. Click here for the deal (today only).
I have my next appointment on Wednesday and will update further then!

"Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together."

Glass is one of my favorite art mediums. Especially blown glass. It is amazing how wonderful the mixture of all the colors are and the "defects" make them even better.
I agree that relationships are the same way.
Things fall apart, all the time. But it is up to the two friends or lovers to decide if it is worth the time and effort to make it right. Things won't be the same, but different and better, if you do it right.
Broken glass makes the most beautiful mosaic, but that takes two to make.
The boyfriend and I are at a confusing stage right now. Everyone says to leave it. I mean, how much can you fight convincing yourself that it is a great mosaic for the world to see?
It kind of felt like we were fighting on our own, and then I realized who my real friends were. It's nice not to feel like you are fighting your views with your own "friends."
I feel like I turned around, with a sigh of relief, only to find myself alone.
It hurts.
I feel like I worked so hard to make our relationship and make myself something to be proud of, just to find out he feels trapped, and we should just wait until he doesn't feel that way anymore.
What do you say to that? What do you do? I thought that talking it out was the best solution to everything, but how many times will we repeat the same conversation?
I guess you just wait for an answer.
Or until your cruise docks back in Tampa on January 13.
Or until next summer's end.
Or until graduation.
Where does the line get drawn?
How long do you wait before being told you aren't good enough again?
How much do you keep investing just to wait for that?

"In this meaningless life of mine I have seen both of these: a righteous man perishing in his righteousness & a wicked man living long in his wicked."

(Ecclesiastes 7:15)
About six months ago I decided that the generic American movie industry and television was not enough. I really don't watch television, I haven't since Freshman year of high school. Maybe it wasn't that television was bad after all, it is just there wasn't anything that engaged me. Then I discovered documentaries.
I love them. I learn so much more from them than these stupid same shit, different bag movies. They are incredibly well done and made for a purpose. It really makes me wonder what I'm doing.
I mean I spent last night bored out of my mind at work and it is finals week. I should be a stressed out study freak.
I feel like my brain is rotting away.
Surely I am meant for more that this.
Then again, this will have to suffice considering my school schedule. I shouldn't expect anything semi-engaging until next year or even after graduation.
I feel like my studies are useless. Don't get me wrong. I love school and I love learning, but it just feels like I'm not learning that much or enough. I think that I have pushed myself too far, in that, I am having a lot of life experiences early.
I got a job and started paying a lot of bills early.
I think more long run than most students.
I feel like I missed out on my youth, maybe.
I had my desk job before I graduated highschool.
Check.
And never going back - talk about under stimulation.
With this front desk job, I have my entry-level position at the property level.
Check.
And not sure I'm coming back.
It is nice to be apart of people's vacations and everyday work week lives, I really love it. But it is not enough. I guess it is too quiet. We don't offer enough services or, quite simply, the city is not big enough.
I would really love to be in a big city, but I really love the outdoors and don't want to miss out on nature. Then again, would I be bored out of my mind, too, on a tropical island. As lovely as they are, would it be enough?
Am I getting greedy now?
Hospitality was my way out. It was a sure ticket that I would be getting out of Memphis. But what am I leaving for?
What is really going to satisfy me? If I have decided that I am leaving, what is it I intend on leaving and what will I replace it with?
And the big question lately...
Why?
What is the point of it all?
Lately I have felt very apathetic towards everything. Probably because I am still suffering from the after effects of throwing my life off balance and into the grindstone. I have noticed that, while I like working for someone and having concrete results of my efforts in the long run, I need results now.
I'm tired of living in the secure bubble of working for the corporation. I have the drive to work outside 9-5. Anyone who takes 21 college hours and 40 hours of work a week should.
So why settle?

“Procrastination is, hands down, our favorite form of self-sabotage.”

I'm a bit of a procrastinator.
For example, I had a ceremonial speech yesterday.
I had to leave my house by 9:30 to get to class on time.
Because I waited until 9 am to start writing it and throwing together a slide show, I didn't leave until 9:45.
I was late, as always. And hadn't even read over it to ensure it would meet time requirements.
It is funny how I always get things down though, especially under pressure. I guess that is where I work best.
Pressurized.
It wasn't until I walked into the garage last night that I even knew what I was going to talk about. I saw a sign my dad had made for me when I got home in January from Disney.
It said "Welcome Home Madison."
That was all.
To drive up and see that on the lawn really warmed my soul.
So, I gave it on my father. He has really changed a lot since the divorce.
And I can't believe I did this, but I cried up there.
He is really such an incredible person now. I feel like I don't deserve him. He puts up with a lot of my crap and expects a lot of me.
I just can't believe I cried.
But we have really gone through a lot over the past year or so, and I guess I never sat down and realized it.
And he doesn't complain. Or talk bad about my mom. Or keep bringing it up.
I found that really comforting when we were going through the divorce. He didn't talk about it. We just talked about us or things in our lives outside of my mom. If I needed to talk about something, we talked about it. Outside of that it was strictly no-mom conversation.
I guess I feel obligated to say that because a lot have people who are going through divorces and have kids and such have asked what it is like on my side of the fence and how they should handle it.
For anyone going through that. Be yourself. Not your hurting self.
Save that for a psychologist.
Seriously.
This is a time of loss and grieving and I wish both of my parents had seen a psychologist instead of using their eldest child as one. Remember that we are losing a family, too. We aren't the parents.
You are.
Grow up and don't talk about the other. Spend some time with us if we are open, if not, drop it. Suggest a psychologist for us, too. Not yours. And again, only if we are open.
Don't ask about the other parent. It is awkward.
I know it is hard, but push through, and don't forget your kids in any decision. I feel like I have been forgotten in a few big one's of my mothers.
Much love.

"He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." -Zephaniah 3:17

I love those moments when you are outside or driving and the whole world seems to be in silence. The world stops for a time and does something together, for the most part.
It is as if we are all preparing, thinking, together. When I think of these moments, a few from the past come to mind.
Christmas Eve. I know it sounds ironic with all the jitters children get, but the outside world seems so quiet and calm. The families are in their homes, silently thanking God or whatever higher being, for what they have. They are creating quiet memories of their own in front of their fireplaces. The great moments of a family bonding without a sound and maybe even without consciousness as they make memories for, hopefully, another great Christmas.
Superbowl Sunday. Another irony what with all the hoopla. I am NOT a football fan. I hardly understand it, and, quite frankly, I hate it. Especially watching it. It is so boring to me. They take way too long to play-I'm more basketball myself. Maybe it is because the University of Memphis' football team stinks and basketball is much more flattering to the school. Who knows? But Superbowl Sunday is another day where we join together inside analyzing and bonding, and, more importantly, discussing commercials. The outside world awaits, holding its breath for the outcome.
The eve of the St. Jude marathon. That one is Memphis oriented, but still, I felt it a lot last night. I was driving around all over town last night to make different events, but it seemed so quiet. The city was waiting and resting to make something great happen.
And it was amazing.
To see how many people showed up to run for these kids was incredible. I have never been to a marathon before so this was all new to me. I was only volunteering, but it was just as incredible. It was a great day where all of the humanity around me was in sync. And for a great cause. For once we weren't complaining about traffic or how bad or city was. Everyone was all smiles. Everyone was trying to help and be considerate. People lined every bit of the course to encourage others they didn't even know. Everyone wants you to finish. As people crossed the finish line you felt so emotional and attached to this event.
It is just a race. Just cones on a road with a bit of food at the end.
But so much more than that. When you see all the families, fit and unfit, running for their child, niece/nephew, grandchild, church member's kid, you choke up. Some have passed, some are fighting, and a few have even won their battles. It puts a face to the disease.
These people are tired of how things are and want to help support and change the diseases children face. Sure, a lot were trying to qualify for the Boston marathon, too, but I will give them the benefit of the doubt.
The celebration was in sync.
This is how things should be.
Dropping ourselves and playing together.

Zapping Myself Bald

I nearly forgot to share my laser hair removal experience, ha!
A few people had asked about it and such, so I figured I would share here for anyone interested!
I bought a groupon for 3 laser hair removal treatments. It was only $99 and the three treatments typically total $530-not bad! We were given the choice of face, underarms, or traditional bikini- I chose underarm. I schedule my appointment just a few days before and got in when I wanted to, always nice!
When I got to Pelli Aesthetics (shopping center next to the main library between Poplar and Walnut Grove) it was empty since they had just opened. The atmosphere was really nice and contemporary, but still comfortable. I was really anxious, so that meant a lot. The girl at the desk was also the, hmm, well, I don't know the title, but lets say...specialist. Apparently the normal front desk girl had a family emergency.
There was a lot of paperwork to initial. Basically no huge health concerns, just legal "this treatment varies with everyone" stuff. The only health stuff I remember is discoloration of the skin and possible scabbing. It also mentioned how many patients described it feeling, like a quick rubber band snap. Reading exactly how it felt and how things would go down helped calm my nerves a lot.
Once I finished we headed back to the room. Much like a spa/doctor's office room. The lighting outside of the bed's overhead lamp was very nice and warm. The overhead lamp lamp was like an operating room lamp or a dentist office's, except a size in between the two. There was also a medium sized running fountain wall again the back. It is amazing the attention to detail in putting their customers in a doctor-like service, but spa-like atmosphere.
She asked me to remove my shirt and lay on the bed. She quickly cleaned my underarms and began setting up the machine. She showed me the laser and informed me that it was an inch by two inches in size so this would not take long at all. Next, she handed me a pair of goggles, just like tanning bed goggles, for safety. It made me a little nervous that I couldn't see what she was doing, but she talked me through it and counted down from three for the first one.
I didn't feel anything.
She said she just wanted me to experience the timing and such before she moved down to the hair. It was a milli-second long flash, that's it. As she moved to hair, I felt it more. It really felt like a rubber band popping against my underarms and then singe-ing under my skin. At first it didn't hurt, but after a while it started hurt more, simply because of repeating it. From what people have told me about getting a tattoo, it is very similar. At first it is nothing, but as it goes on it really starts to hurt as they continue in the same area. It makes sense since the laser and needle are going into the core of the pores, so to speak.
She was done with both arms in under five minutes.
Seriously.
If I didn't have paperwork to do I would have been in and out in under ten minutes.
Awesome!
The next appointment has to be 4 weeks later to work with our hair's growing cycle. You can add or subtract about 3 days from the exact day and still be okay. But keep that in mind when you make your first appointment. In other words, don't make an appointment a week before vacation thinking you can get all three in before your vacation.
You can shave throughout the entire experience and I highly recommend it (day of) for the first visit, it makes the singe feeling much lighter. I will definitely be shaving the morning of my next one. But no hair removal creams or anything. Show up clean. No deadorant for under arms, lotion for legs or face. Be pure!
Also, no tanning! It is bad for you, plus it would only cause discoloration. No tanning up to two weeks before the first treatment and no tanning during it!
You also cannot do the procedure with open wounds/scabs. They would worsen something awful!
There are some medicines that can make you sick or cause discoloration, ask when you make an appointment anywhere. This will keep you from wasting a trip just to be told you cant take that medicine up to two week before the treatment.
I didn't look but it felt like they were a little red afterwards, but I have decently tough skin, so that can definitely vary. Usually it doesn't last more than 2-3 days. Of course ice can help remedy the situation as well as post-laser gels or hydrocortisone cream.
The process is basically pushing the hair follicle out of the pore. In other words, it is going to look like it is still growing, but it is actually your body pushing it out. Typically it falls out within 5-10 days. I'm only on day 4, so I really can't verify much yet. It is good to make sure you exfoliate a bit in the area while you're in the shower, that will help it to come out sooner, smoother, and a little bit cleaner!
Well, that's that for now! E-mail if you have any questions!

"Too much work and too much energy kill a man just as effectively as too much assorted vice or too much drink"

I have realized a lot about myself and my life lately.
Things I thought I wanted simply do not cut it.
I envisioned a lot of my life on my own, traveling and learning, but that doesn't seem enough. I wanted my career to come first. I've worked hard to earn my education and I don't want it to go to waste just to become a soccer mom homemaker. I thought that I could handle being by myself as long as I filled my time with school and work.
But, at the end of the day, being by myself isn't good enough. I didn't want to share my life, it's mine! But what an awful fate I assigned myself.
I appreciate independence.
But what good is a career, travels, and money with no one else to share it with?
I really had little faith in love and relationships (outside platonic).
It simply didn't seem like they would do me any good. Sure, in the aftermath of a three and a half year relationship I really wonder if it is worth it.
But I also wonder if shoving my face into the grindstone was worth what it cost me, even with the best intentions.

This Is Morning

I really love Jack's Mannequin. And this one is perfect for today. Morning is definitely the hardest when you are sad about anything really. I can easily fill a day to occupy my mind. I can run myself down so that when I hit the bed Im too tired to think about anything else.
But in the morning, things are different.
Mornings are the beginning of everything.
Another day.
The first decision of the day.
Should I get up?
Why?
What will I do with the day?
Will it be worth it?
Will anyone notice if I stay here and dream?
It is when you jerk back to reality and realize what happened the day, the week, even the year before. You recognize changes. Changes in the amount of light, the time of day, and, for whatever reason that someone isn't there that used to be. Even if you didn't live with them.
My counselor "watered" this situation down to a change. I'm not insulting him or anyone, but I guess that is a good way to look at it. A simple change. He went on to describe it as similar to losing a loved one, via death. He recommended I research the five stages of grieving.
Pitiful.
I thought that was a ridiculous thing to say. A little dramatic.
Was I acting this stupid to suggest that?
But its true.
Three and a half years is a long time.
I actually found them really helpful though. It helps me realize that this is a process. Not a bad thing, but the process to a new life.
I can't assume that after a couple of good hours that I am good to go forever. Those are the days you go to bed and wake up sobbing.
When I woke up this morning I felt like I was in a hotel by myself. My aunt's house is beautiful. Beautifully decorated, always clean. It's like living in a show room. A comfortable showroom.
It was really depressing to feel like I was just another customer in this one room hotel.
I have a strange imagination.
But when I went downstairs to see my family, I realized how important they were and their hospitality was for me right now and at thanksgiving. This house is just another showroom without them.
How could I be unhappy when they all stayed up late into the night, although everyone was extremely exhausted, to talk to me and listen and complain about the now ex-boyfriend and how he would never be good enough.
Happy.
It sucks to be told that your significant other is tired of being in a relationship with because it is going nowhere.
You take it personal.
You can't help it.
But after talking to them and another wonderful friend of mine at the coffee shop, it feels good to know that I don't pull anything down or back.
I am going somewhere with or without him.
But not without the help of the amazing people I have been blessed to have in my life.

Just Madison

I'm not sure if there is a law in blogging limiting blog entries to once per day or not. But, oh well, I'm a rebel.
I have been super mopey the last couple days, especially this morning, regarding the whole relationship ending situation. I just can't help it though.
I mean, we have been through much worse together before. First we spend too much time together, so I make a bit of my own life so he doesn't feel any pressure to hang out with me. Now we don't spend enough. And instead of taking advantage of time we have or planning dates in advance. I guess it just sucks to really try just to have him show up express his feelings and already made decision and then expect my suggestions.
Why would you ask for my feelings and suggestions if you have already decided?
Aren't you supposed to do that BEFORE?
I feel kind of guilty subjecting depressing poison upon the blogging world. My apologies.
It took everything in me to leave the house this morning. I woke up early to get my life together, clean my room and do at least one thing with my appearance to cheer myself up (be it actually blow drying and straightening my hair, putting on make-up, or doing some crunches).
I cried.
I left the house late, looking a wreck (to compliment my still destroyed room).
A block away I thought about turning around to spend my day in bed until work.
Then my aunt called.
She could hear it in my voice.
I should have known. Why did I even answer the phone?!
Instantly I could hear her heart melting after I told her what happened. I really felt bad telling her since I didn't feel like I could be cheered up, but I couldn't keep it from her, I'm just not that good.
She went on for the rest of my drive to school saying how much better I was than him, ha! It still felt good, as petty as it sounds. While none of it was probably true, it still kept me from walking into class with completely shot eyes riding the edge of a breakdown.
I couldn't help but be distracted through my first class. I simply couldn't focus on anything but myself. I'm so selfish right now.
I just wanted out of there. I really didn't want to see anyone or explain anything. Fortunately, most thought I was just tired. In a way I guess I am. I have really exhausted myself- how pitiful!
In a way I was really dreading my F & B class. I know more people in there and knew they would know. But as soon as my friends came in it was a different story. You forget how funny and incredible people are until you are really down like this. They were so incredibly...hospitable. Just having their presence made all the difference in the world.
I am so lucky to have such great friends. And such awesome people in my major. They helped me joke about the situation, which is what I would normally do in any humiliating or upsetting situation. I just realized how much I was not acting like myself.
It was a little embarrassing.
I don't think I deserve them.
By the time I got to work, I was down again. Frick.
I really tried hard to smile though. At first I really hated that I worked with people. Why can't I just work in a cave with a computer all day so I can just cry and type and be self-centered!?
My dad came into work tonight. He met the people I work with and the guests I serve. Hearing them talk about me to my father almost made me cry. They were so excited to meet him for some reason. But it really made my day.
I just had another guest call down asking to extend his stay because of our service. Not saying that in a "tooting my own horn" manner. I'm beginning to feel like I come across that way here. I'm sorry.
It just feels nice.
Especially on such an awful day, I really think the dreary weather has enhanced my mood.
But has it really been that bad? I have absolutely incredible friends. So many people have called and text and sent fb messages.
They know me. They knew I would be upset.
One has even invited me over for girls night in to drown our sorrows in sangria.
A toast goodbye to the stupid boy that said I wasn't good enough.
No more tears, no more time.
Hello Madison.
Just Madison.

Emotional Cure All

Waking up is the hardest.
No one likes to awake abruptly. It is an awful feeling to crack your eyes and see your running late. Or be deep in sleep and jolt up to a crash or scream.
It feels the same to wake and realize again what has transpired over the past couple of days. It is like being broken up with all over again. You feel like there is no hope for the day, so what reason is there to rise?
I guess this is something you can't fight. When someone shows up at your house, decision already made, what are you supposed to do? You can't force intimacy.
We were truly in a rough patch anyway. I thought we would push through this like everything else. Isn't that what makes you stronger? I guess I had hoped that he would be the one to bend his life some this time.
But you can't force that. I thought that he had realized all the bending I had done in years past and would return the favor this year.
I think I also expected him to be okay with my withdrawn. I was hanging out with people who didn't know or didn't care about my family life. My mom just abruptly married a guy. My grades are slipping. I'm broke. And it is winter. I hate winter.
It is hard not to have consistency. Since my life has changed so much over the past three and a half years, he has really been the only weight. I guess it is unfair to make someone feel like that though.
The modern human is a peculiar thing. We have drugs for everything. I guess we expect to heal everything within the hour. Even emotional things. I guess that is why we can seem so emotional. There really isn't much to cure that.
There is no instant cure for rejection.
I thought my busy lifestyle would be.
But when I filled it just to make myself seem worth loving, it hardly seems worth it now. Nor does the reminder help heal the wound.

And they lived happily ever after, apart.

Break ups are strange. Maybe it is because I am always a little surprised by them, even though I usually initiate. You don't plan on breaking up when you get into relationships.
Unless you're getting married.
Oddly enough.
But pre-nups are a whole different blog.
And when you get there. Three and a half years in. It feels like it should be more than what it was. Like, somehow, the break up should be ceremonial of sorts.
Outside of the Facebook announcement of course.
As if, it should be upheld like the first date or kiss.
It should mean something, right?
I have a strong work ethic. I don't mind scooping poop for a year if it gets me where I want to go. I push through things very well. I juggle a lot in my schedule.
Yet, I knew this relationship was not headed where I wanted or needed to go.
For at least a year.
How could I be so weak?
How dare someone say I'm strong. I feel so guilty every time someone says it. I don't deserve it.
I guess I just hoped that I could have the boy I once knew back, yet have him grow in different ways.
I was tired of being judged by his church/circle of friends. Feeling inadequate. Feeling as if everything I had done still wasn't good enough.
But I still didn't want it to end.
Oddly enough when we got back together in May, I told myself and a close friend, 6 months.
6 months of a genuine try this time and evaluate just before Thanksgiving.
She said that we both needed to try for each other's sake instead of one of us walking away wondering.
Makes sense.
Here I am, a single girl, and strangely enough, of his doing.
I don't think I will walk away wondering.
But it still hurts. Three and a half years is a long time for someone who is only 20. The relationship has been the only consistently in my life since it began.
My parents have divorced and one remarried since. I have gotten laid off. Struggle in college with no family aid. I have relied on him and those around the two of us to help me and now, even though I have worked really hard since returning from Disney to make my own life, I still feel really alone.
I thought that if I regained some independence it wouldn't be so bad if and when this day came. Instead, it pushed him away. And I knew it was. But I still kept on filling my schedule.
In a selfish way I feel like an idiot. Embarrassed that I couldn't make it work, wondering what he will tell his friends and how stupid I will look to them. Hurt that somehow I didn't fit the mold, whether or not I wanted to-simple rejection.
Naturally I have blown that feeling out of proportion to feeling hideous, stupid, and boring. The complete opposite of what every guy in every generic movie says about that girl he is telling his friends/mom: "she's smart, she's funny, she's beautiful."
No, I don't need a man to be any of that. I don't need someone to say those things about me.
I do need to readjust my life.
Character building.
I think I will go embrace "The Ragamuffin Gospel" by Brennan Manning.

Outliers

I just finished a book by Malcolm Gladwell entitled "Outliers." It is a wonderful piece of work.
Economics and I really don't get along in the classroom, but outside, I love it. I love reading about it and I'm addicted to learning morning, especially in terms of society. I loved the book Freakonomics and am ready to read Freakonomics II.
Outliers is a book that breaks down how people actually succeed, the economics and opportunities. It is incredible the amount of detail and research that was done on this. I am thoroughly impressed and highly recommend it. I can't wait to read his other two.
There are so many things I want to write, but just picking one part would not only ruin it, but wouldn't have the same effect without the rest. Instead I just want to share a couple sentences found near the end of the epilogue that really sums it up.

"Superstar lawyers and math whizzes and software entrepreneurs appear at first blush to like outside ordinary experience. But they don't. They are products of history and community, of opportunity and legacy. Their success is not exceptional or mysterious. It is grounded in a web of advantages and inheritances, some deserved, some not, some earned, some just plain lucky - but all critical to making them who they are.
The outlier, in the end, is not an outlier at all."

Lonely Night At The Desk

I love my job. I always have so much fun talking to all the different people.
Except weekends.
I hate working weekends.
I mean it isn't that I have anything to give up on the weekends. Especially in wintertime, there isn't much going on socially for me. I just have a hard time adjusting to "strangers."
That's a weird thing to say for someone who meets at least 10 new people a work day. During the week though, we have mostly business travelers. Most have traveled here before. Many come weekly, biweekly and monthly. We even know our quarterly guests very well.
We are always looking at new pictures of the kids and what they were for Halloween or how the renovation is coming. Asking about that college kid of theirs that just isn't getting it. Our weekly guests are like our family, and we really bond when they come down for dinner and just chat- talk about the weekends and how the project is going. They miss their families and just need someone to talk to. It is hard being away every week. For them, I think they really value the conversation.
Our extended stay guests are like a different family. They are all here, waiting for future accomodations. Whether waiting on their house to be repaired or looking to buy a new one. Some are new to town because of a job and others are headed out. It is nice to keep up and help them make this home as much as possible. These guest love the homelike accomodations, but also like the familial conversations they have with staff they see everyday.
On the weekends, though, I only have our extended stay and transient guests. The extended stays spend most weekends out, shopping for the apartment or looking for a new house. They come home too exhausted for conversation. Transient guests are here for a purpose. Usually touring Memphis or a tournament or a family gathering. They don't necessarily need or value conversation with staff, not that they are bad people, they just have goals and limited time.
I get it.
That's how most, if not all, of my trips are. But still, it gets lonely here. At this property there is typically only one person on duty between 5 pm and 8 am. I spend most of my shifts working alone, on weekends all of the shift. If I don't have homework, then it gets really depressing up here!
There are plenty of times that guests annoy me and I just want them to leave me alone, but, all in all, they really make my day most of the time.
When I got to work Thursday, everyone that came up to the desk started the conversation with "where have you been? I can't believe you didn't tell me you were going to New York and I had to find out from the other staff while you were out!"
I'm spoiled.
To say the least.
To be missed feels really great. I feel worthwhile. Lately I have really beat myself up about how unimpressive my resume is and how awful my business skills are. But to walk in here and see that at least I mean a little something to a few folks makes up for it all.
I thank God for things like that.

Post New York Life

Our last day in New York was a little depressing. I should have known when I awoke to a gloomy sky and a wrecked room- a clear indication of how much time I spent in my room or lack thereof.
As we toured the new Intercontinental Times Square property, I couldn't help but feel so small and insignificant. There was so much I didn't know. Some many details I didn't catch. So many amenities that are a necessity there and unheard of here - there was a computer in EVERY room.
I guess this is how it felt when we started putting televisions in hotel rooms. Expected now, a right back then.
We quickly moved from there to Chinatown and I hit up my newly favorite Chinatown "stolen accessory" lord at Canal and Church. Maybe I shouldn't be putting that on here.
Oh well.
After acquiring a new Luis Vuitton clutch to accompany the Chanel glasses, we moved to Manhattan and roamed by Central park, telling Chris to "go home" when necessary. I picked up an overpriced Harley Davidson t-shirt for the pops and we headed for some cart food before the subway. I got a hot dog, but, for some reason, Craig was awarded a jumbo hot dog.
Unfair!
We moved quickly to the subway station fearing we wouldn't make it on time. I can't believe I did it, but I actually stepped in between closing doors and pushed them open so we caught that train! I can't believe I'm not dead yet.
Stupid girl.
We got back to the hotel only to wait on Dr. Umbreit, ha! He arranged for a Yukon to take us to the airport instead of a taxi this time, apparently it is cheaper than two taxis. Upon arrival we apparently signed ourselves up for curbside check-in when we let go of our bags for a millisecond.
Dr. Umbreit left us, saying that it was extra.
Good to know.
As we waited, bags in hand this time, in the lobby waiting for him to get us checked-in I tried my best to shove what I could out of my book bag and into my luggage. I had remembered that I would have to take my laptop out, which would have resulted in an accessory explosion at security. Desperately trying to avoid the humiliation, I finally got enough pressure on the bag to zip it closed.
Sigh.
Seeing everyone else at our gate made me a little sad. Most looked like Memphians. It is amazing how quickly you can tell. Just look for the overweight, unoriginal people, to remind you of where you are going.
Back to where you live.
Your "real" life.
My feelings were only enhanced when I approached my row to see an overweight couple reading what had to have been explicit romance novels. (Both of them, really?)
They certainly weren't pleased to see that I would be climbing over them.
Awesome.
I dozed off against the wall and awoke on the tarmac, a little embarrassed that I fell asleep. I guess I should have been over by that point. I had to have fallen asleep against a subway car wall like a homeless person at least twice with a probably very humiliated Craig sitting next to me.
After an hour of this woman looking over and staring at me, I finally tried to make conversation. Okay, I was beginning to warm her up so she wouldn't be angry when I told her in about ten minutes that my bladder was about to burst and to please let me up without the evil eye.
She had a mickey watch on.
I can work with that.
"I like your watch."
And we're off! Of course she is a Disney nut, thank God!
I actually felt a little guilty when I broke the news that I really had to urinate that would have been a great conversation if I could have convinced that stewardess to chauffeur my bladder to the back and bring it back empty.
Now that I view my life through a looking glass tinted with NYC, I feel very small town. As we flew over Memphis, it just looked like a child's playland in comparison.
We had a meeting last night that was originally for the whole school and then changed to just the leaders. When I got there, only one other scholar was there.
Honestly, my least favorite one.
Apparently it was relayed to the others that this meeting was not that important and simply don't come. A scholar told them this.
One that was there.
And it wasn't me.
I was a little offended to say the least that he felt that his opinion mattered the most, like usual.
This particular boy (they are all boys except myself) does not work. And apparently feels the need to force those of us who already do to spend even more classes sitting in little internships during the classes meeting time. He also feels that intnerships should not be paid.
Let it be known that the sorority girl, who also does not work, agrees.
Yet they both feel we must also commit more social events to students, too.
I wish I would not have been the only person who worked there. They made me feel like there is no way you can go to school and work, especially with ALL those classes they are taking and social clubs they are leading, yet, at the end of the day, they admit to being unprepared for the workforce.
Dear anyone who says that jobs won't accommodate school. You are completely incompetent and clearly have no experience with not only interviewing by negotiation schedules. Not that it takes serious negotiate to tell your boss your school schedule. No boss, especially in Hospitality, is going to tell you work comes before school. They just need to know your schedule up front.
All of this to say, I am tired of being told how we should be educated by students who have no work experience. They live life in a college bubble.
We have the benefit of a city full of job opportunity behind us instead of some small college town. Get of your ass and stop sucking your parent's money tit.
When you move outside your bubble with a more well grounded experience, then we will talk. Until then, I place no value on your input unless it is social gathering ideas.
That's what you do.
It's what you are good at.
Stick to it until you decide to get out there and doing something with yourselves.
All of that to say, I am exhausted of the Memphis bubble. These are the people who will live here and teach and work in this city.
These small minded people with no interests outside themselves.
I miss you New York.

NYC Day Three

Yet another rushed post so I can gain some sleep time.
Today the convention was awesome.
We got to go through the booths and check out a lot of stuff, plus pick-up some freebies. It was really neat to see how many businesses were grounded on the little things in hotels that I don't even notice. Afterwards we moved to the boutique design section.
Incredible.
With boutiques there is so much more freedom. No chain guidelines. Buy what you want. Buy what serves the area and guest the best. Afterwards we scooted back to the hotel so we could check out the statue of liberty. Upon arrival, all the crown tickets were sold out as well as pedestal ones. In other words we could only ride over and cover island ground. I still got some pictures and had a great time. It was here that I was able to reunite with one of my roomies, Kayla.
So great to see her.
We got off and headed to wall street to get pictures with the bull as well as Tiffany's! We quickly caught the subway up to times square and shopped in the new Disney store, cast discount! I picked up the lady liberty vinylmation for a friend and another for a quick ebay resale. We also went in the toys r us. Wow. A ferris wheel?
Really!?
And the little tykes car was a cart! Plus a barbie convertible, toy story, e.t. and firetruck. Once we left we were headed back to the hotel to prep for our dinner with the other scholars and the Umbreits.
Kayla and I discovered I have a small view of the empire state building while skyping with Moorea. We soon hugged and I joined the group to head over to a nice italian restaurant.
While there we got to know Mrs. Umbreit a lot more. She is an incredibly interesting and humble human. I think I also got to know the other scholars more after a bread bowl spill.
Post-Dinner, Craig and I headed down to the World Trade Center memorial. Which is actually a construction site right now. A balloon scuplture, whiff of weed, and a few circles around the block later, we ended up in the PATH station apparently bound for New Jersey.
Nice.
Fortunately we recognized this in time and got off to circle the block lost for a bit more. We finally found a subway and headed to Chinatown - our original destination. After roaming the streets even further, we came upon the Williamsburg bridge (northeast of Brooklyn). The Williamsburg bridge is in Lower East Side/Cooperative Village. Not a very good part of town. At this point we figured we would be the butte of our "police encounter" joke of the day.
After paying a dollar for someone to open a door we ended up at Delancy Street Subway station sitting and hoping to God this would get us to the right place. We finally landed back in Times Square.
Back home.
It has already started feeling like home.
Which scares me because I don't really want to love New York, but I think I do now.
At the convention I spent a good bit of time at the Cornell University table.
Pondering graduate school.

NYC Day Two

Okay this is going to be another hurried entry- my apologies, but I am dying for some sleep.
I woke up at 6:30 this morning, mind you I went to bed at 2:30, and looked out to a beautiful city. Since we did so much last night it was crazy to see a city I was already very familiar with look incredible different. I was confused when we stepped foot outside the hotel because it looked so different.
From there we walked to the Jacob K Javtis Convention Center where the International Hotel, Motel, and Restaurant Show was being held. As we waited in line for our badges, one of Dr. Umbreit's former students walked up and started a conversation after introducing herself. She was only 6 years past graduation and performs the international revenue management training for Marriott. In other words, she is headed to London for two weeks soon.
Jealous.
It is crazy to think that very soon Dr. Umbreit will be asking the same questions of myself. This time next year I will be filing my intent to graduation.
Wow.
Time flies.
I must admit I began dozing off during the first session, it was on CEO's in the industry. Basically they talked about themselves for an hour and a half. The next one was really awesome and had new panelists discussing trends and the future for the market. From there we moved to lunch where we enjoyed a "campaign update." Most of the time these mean Republican Rant Hour, however, they actually had a republican and democrat debating current policies as well as up and coming ones and how they will affect our industry. We moved into concurrent sessions from there.
I chose high turnover rates and how to lower them.
Super informative.
Although I felt as if a lot of it were common sense, the studies were pretty interesting.
We left this session and moved as quickly as possible to get back to the hotel, so that we MAY make the last statue of liberty ferry.
Try as we might, we were too late.
So we hopped back on the subway to head further uptown to a museum we had seen yesterday.
The museum of sex is on 5th.
And that's where we went.
I must say, it was really cool. I mean some was akward, of course, but all in all, really insightful. There was a section on art and one artist showcased a video of these robots fornicating in such a harsh light. It is really hard to describe, but in his interview video, he talked about how porn is so cold and heartless, just like the robots. He wanted us to feel as though it was sad and empty.
I did.
How insightful.
Of course there was a lot more uncomfortable objects, especially for someone as, well, sheltered, as myself. But it was a learning experience for sure. At one point in time, vibrators were sold in the Sears and Roebuck catalog as beauty products. Who knew?!
Plus I couldn't die without seeing animal penises. Or learning that a certain type of slug (sorry I can't remember the name) uses his penis once before his partner bites it off. If, for whatever reason, the partner does not bite it off, they will chew it off themselves since it grows on the side of their head.
We decided on the subway again. As we waited for the train a homeless man came up to us and asked Craig if I was his wife, lol! He told him no and the man pushed it a bit and said why not? You should do that soon.
At this point Craig decides to play along and ask the man where we should get married.
He goes on to tell us in detail how our wedding should be and where we should honeymoon.
I nearly wet my pants trying to hold in the laughter.
He claims it is the last time he will ever sit down in a subway station to wait.
Craig and I moved from here to Little Italy and ate at Saluggi's. Delicious pizza of course. Great conversation as always and cozy atmosphere.
We started roaming through Chinatown when we came across the folks selling stolen handbags. I was looking for a new clutch, why not! As I attempted to break away from a potential seller (he only had ugly clutches!), he suddenly stopped harassing me and moved along quickly. When I turned around a woman had one of the sellers against the wall and was handcuffing him!
Two nights in a row I watch a crazy NYPD bust!?
And this one was undercover!!
As we made our way down the street, word had clearly spread to the permanently installed vendors as they no longer had their original bags outside.
We roamed some more.
I could walk these city streets forever.
Just looking. Noticing. Observing life.
We hopped on the subway to go up to Central Park.
It wasn't until we got their that I realized what a big deal central park is. I have finally realized what a commodity space is. And to see all that nearly undeveloped space simply floored me.
Alas, it was cold,
and I wanted dessert,
so we rode back to Times Square.
We tried to go to Pop Tart World, but it was already closed, so we made our way through to M&M World. Afterwards we attempted Hershey's since they have a dessert bar, but they were also closed!
For the city that never sleeps there are a lot of things that close by midnight!
Speaking of never sleeping, I should get to bed.
My poor body is worn out.
Last weekend I told it to "fall back" and hour.
And this weekend it is springing back forward.
Sigh......


zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

NYC Day One

I'm writing this as quickly as possible as I have to get to the convention.
My day in New York began at touch down at La Gaurdia airport(around 6:15), but apparently my phone thought otherwise. It claimed I was in Denver, CO.
Hmm.
Some "smart phone."
After that we headed to get a taxi. Apparently they are hard to get and people wait in lines for them. As we hopped in I couldn't help but notice it was just like the movies.
The driver drove crazy fast and close to others. Everyone honks. A lot. Its like they all need attention and they get it by honking!
Once we got to the hotel I was surprised to find that there were only 6 rooms to a floor. This hotel has NO width! It is 36, I think, stories high though. I'm on the 32. I can't even see the street from my window I'm so high up, and my ears often pop as I take the elevator up! All in all, the Holiday Inn Express was decently new so it was very nice!
We moved on to Times Square, but on the way ran into Dr. Jackson! We ate a Chevy's, simply excited about being there. The square was so bright it seemed like day. We moved onto the empire state building. Craig and I opted for the 102 floor tour, the others stuck with simply 86, which has an outdoor balcony. With the wind it was VERY cold up there. It seemed that we could see for miles. I could have stood there and simply "looked." Craig and I headed up to 102, and I had to clear my ears again several times. My ears are going to be shot by the end of this. We could see the light of the Statue of Liberty and on much further.
From there we headed to the Apple store on fifth.
On the way we passed countless designer stores (including Diesel and their "Be Stupid" campaign!) and executive offices. We saw the beginning of the Rockefeller tree and Trump towers lights. The Apple store was an experience in and of itself. The building is glass with a hanging and glowing Apple logo. You walk into this box and take either the circular glass elevator or the stairs that wrap around said elevator down to the coolest basement I've ever seen.
We headed back towards the hotel, but as we neared I decided I wanted cheesecake that one of my guests recommended, Junior's. They closed at one and it was 12:50 as we made our way I called twice for directions- I couldn't find them and they were in Times Square! They were just past it on Broadway actually. The guy on the phone promised that he would let us in since we would barely miss closing.
Upon arrival to this little shop, they were closed and the guy was not up front. We were incredibly disappointed that we had walked so fast when we were so tired and for no cheesecake. All of a sudden some guy came out and asked if we needed anything. I checked his nametag- It was the guy! He let us back to choose some cheesecake graciously. I got strawberry shortcake, Yum!!!!!!
As we headed back, the police quickly moved in to congregate around a subway station. We decided to be nosy and ended up witnessing the arrest of 4 people. Pretty cool to see the NYPD in action I guess, ha!
After a minor key dilemma, we all headed to bed. Happy with cheesecake!
Hopefully I will get to see Tara and Kayla despite my poor planning and communication abilities.

Alright- gotta run!!!

Fireworks

My favorite part about music are those songs that come along and give you goose bumps. Sometimes they seem random. If I was to compose a playlist of these songs it would be an incredibly varied list. From rap to classical, pop to classic rock, the selection can be inspiring no matter the genre or production year. These songs bring goose bumps, encouragement, tears, plain old emotion.
God forbid.
In a world full of technology, we forget how important our emotions are. They reveal the purest information we have about ourselves. They are the strongest indication of "your path," so to speak. We have become detached.
I was watching a documentary called "Objectified" the other day.
It is done by Gary Hustwit. Excellent. Well done. Interesting topic. He explores these everyday objects and the designers behind them. Designers who have such passion and inspiration to continuously improve our everyday items not only functionally, but aesthetically as well. You can't image the process and careful attention to detail that goes behind a potato peeler. They brainstorm together, creating mind maps and observing our interactions with said potato peeler to see how one could most improve the object. The things they say sound redundant, but their important observations that cannot be overlooked.
Google does this as well. When they decided to go into either "notebook" or maybe their calendar application, they broke down the pros and cons of paper versus online. They made the most ridiculous observations. Paper requires a pen, but online requires internet and a computer. Paper is also physical, you can carry it and view it instantly. Design is easier. Access is easier. Although managing paper is also harder.
Petty yet thoughtful observations.

Karim Rashid (Umbra designer) opens the above clip and questions why we have not advanced further. In the documentary he presents the idea of balancing functionality with emotion. We are not robots. We cannot be reduced to factory education filled resumes.
We are more than that.
Removing your emotions completely removes getting to know yourself.
I feel like we've been told to suppress and "act professional" all of our lives. Professionals are people, too. People who are balanced in emotions and functionality.
Have the users of these output based computers been held to the emotionless, consistent product of the objects their using?
I love that Katy Perry (okay, actually her songwriter, but, I will pretend she is actually a worthy writer for this bit) uses Fireworks. They are so simple and, honestly, cheap. Easy to come by. But it takes someone with a flame to make them spark. And everyone loves seeing the show. I mean, Magic Kingdom's key event is the nightly firework show, Wishes. I won't lie, it makes me cry. If you broke it down, it is simple references to great movies, generic orchestrated music, and a computer set fire show. But we love it.
We are amazing people when we are set afire. Everyone loves to see someone "in their zone." It is inspiring. Incredible. Useful to the world.
We are emotion filled people.
Moved by music.
And fireworks.

A Day with the Wilsons

Hospitality is definitely a lifestyle.
Yesterday I had a itinerary meeting on New York (less than two weeks!) followed by a breakfast get together with the Kemmons Wilson Family.
The Kemmons Wilson Family funds my largest scholarship. Five guys and myself are the lucky recipients of these funds, but the money isn't the greatest part. Don't get me wrong, it really helps! We get personal time with our director of the school to ensure we stay on track and such, plus we meet with the family once or twice a school year, which is NEVER a disappointing experience. They are such a wonderful and character-filled family. If I were to ever go down the path of raising a family of my own, theirs would definitely be a model. They are so involved in our community, and the scholars as well. They are even paying for our New York trip to the international hotel convention. For such important people, they are so down to earth. Their lives are case in point of excellent leaders, genuine Christians, and pure hospitality. It isn't just their business, it is who they are.
It has made me realize that my job is a lot about who I am and that most of my day to day activities are NOT listed on my job specifications.
I just checked-in a man who is moving out of Memphis to New Orleans, without a job to go to. I am NOT a risk taker, so I was interested to say the least. He has been here for ten years and the first thing he said was, I don't have any friends. I almost cried. Seriously. If you had seen his face, his mannerisms, the way he came in and spoke- you would have, too. No friends? Really? And he didn't like his job. He has been doing that job for TEN YEARS! What took so long? He said, "The years just go by. You make good money and you feel like you can't leave."
You feel like you can't leave.
Would I stay at a job I hated for ten years even if I hated it? The way I have been acting lately, ensuring job security and what not, probably.
He went on to say, "I have been going to the same church this whole time and I know people there, but I don't have any friends. At least in New Orleans, I have family to keep me company."
He must really be committed to that congregation or the pews must be extra comfy. If I were to end up back in church, and stick with it for ten years, I would have to be with passionate people who sought out sowing friendships. It breaks my heart. Part of me wants to say, what cold-hearted people. But, like he said, you get comfortable with your friends. Bringing new people in displaces that comfort. I guess that is what Jesus is for, comfort. Answer your comforting prayers so you don't get laid off from your comfortable job so you can keep your humble abode in the suburbs.
He left me with a pamphlet on Jesus.
That man has had such an awful experience in the church, yet he still took the time to write his own pamphlet and gives it to some random front desk person. It was all he brought in to check-in. He had a goal to share with someone. No fear at all. What a strong person. He is a Christian everywhere he goes. Not just at church and then a worker at his desk job and then a father at home.
Hospitality is like that, too.
The Wilsons are on-call Christians and Hospitality leaders, 24/7. Things like that move you. They should. We get comfortable easily and things like that shake us, and they should.
Christianity is a movement of hospitality.
An incredible tool that can shake the world through the simplest means.

Babies

I watched the documentary "Babies" yesterday, and it was incredible.
I think that I was so inclined to it because of the scenery. I love movies and books that really take me somewhere. And majors, too. Thank God I live in a world where Hospitality is actually a major.
They were absolutely breathtaking. The "attention to detail" in gathering the shots of Tokyo to showcase every small light, all gathering to create such a beautiful, man made scene. The "homey" feeling of Mongolians who live on a ranch in what seems to be a hut, yet still get cable somehow. The African foliage and raised mountains as a backdrop to the simplest lifestyle in Namibia. And then back here in the United States, showcasing a typical white family in a typical box in San Francisco.
Somehow I grew bitter of how we raise our children. Maybe I am just bored with America altogether, although I have never been to San Francisco. Actually I have never been west of the Mississippi. Well, St. Louis, but still.
The babies in San Francisco and Tokyo, show how much we have taken over. Raise your children the "right" way. Sit them in front of the electronic baby-sitter, good ole television, and switch on the Baby Einstein. Hopefully it can teach them until you send them off to junior-junior kindergarten so someone else you hire can takeover. Keep them on the same right track. Stay inside the house. Play in our backyard, our neighborhood. Don't do that. It will hurt. Time to go to 2 year old ballet. Bring up your grades in every subject, don't specialize. Be a generally good person.
In Africa and Namibia, the children don't necessarily roam free, but they are free to explore as they like. Falling is not an over dramaticized event. They fall, cry, and get back up on their own. They explore on their own. Their curiousity is not stopped. Their socializing is not refrained. I mean the movie opens with two of these babies, so young, socializing together. It escalades to a fight over a small bottle. You can hear a mother in the background. But she doesn't step-in. She isn't here to fight his battles. She is there to care for him afterwards, when he crawls back after losing the fight.
Both the African and Mongolian child are also close to animals. Their parents dont stop them from petting or even leaning against cows, goats, cats, or dogs. An American mother would freak and then sanitize thoroughly. How is it that we have such a high infant mortality and their's is no where near ours?
Anytime the scenes jumped back to Tokyo or San Francisco, I felt my mind wander. I have seen baby classes before. I have seen the city. This upbringing bores me, I can't imagine what it does to a stimulation-hungry baby.

Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish.

Yesterday I went to a MILE meeting. MILE is a leadership program here at the University of Memphis dedicated to creating future leaders. I should also mention something that was not pointed out to myself, it is dedicated to creating future Memphis leaders. Seeing how my primary backing as a Hospitality is, well, travel some, and get the heck out of here. Nothing against Memphis. Really and truly, nothing against Memphis anymore. I have learned to love my city, but, really, it has been too long. It will have been over twenty-two years here after graduation and I would say that I have done my time. I should have known there was a reason I was the only Hospitality major in the room.
Back to MILE.
Last night our speaker was Chris Crouch. A super interesting and charismatic guy who really love to read. And I'm not talking Shakespeare. I mean I love my fair share of beautifully written lit, but I have really taken to the more useful side of books lately. Throughout his entire presentation, he continued to mention great books that sounded incredibly relevant to me. For once. I think that is definitely a flaw of our English teachers of today. Again, I love reading for the sake of "going somewhere" or "creating a scene" or discovering hidden meaning, but there is a heavy unbalance of this in our schools, both private and public. A lot of youth simply are in touch with that, and that is okay. Why can't we provide more relevant and current reading? One of my favorite books from high school was written within the last five years, well, last five years from the time I had read it. And it wasn't one of these watered down chick books or teeny novels. It was a book on finance. It was Financial Peace, by Dave Ramsey. See, I remembered BOTH the title and author. Although I loved Fahrenheit 451, I could never tell you who wrote it after I had the quiz. It doesn't matter when you have Google anyway. (It was Ray Bradbury by the way. I googled.)
Books like Freakonomics, and Outliers, would show our youth a different side of the world. Teach them to read deeper outside of the artsy way. He mentioned the latter last night by the way. He goes on to say that the people who write these books spend years researching and/or living some way and figure out the best or worst way to do something and he can save himself all those years and squeeze them into a couple of nights.
What a cool notion.
Also in his speech, he showed a video that really rang true to me last night. He showed the above clip of Sanford's graduation ceremony. Steve Jobs spoke to them. Lucky son of a guns. I guess, if anything, you get a cool graduation speaker for all that money! It really showed him in a different light. I love listening to graduation ceremony's. These incredible leaders, who have been through so much, get to tell people who are about to go out into the world a little bit of what to do and not do so they live with no regrets and enjoy every moment possible.
They are always so profound.
From there I went straight to a Volunteer Appreciation dinner from A Night of Southern Elegance. As the people began to chit chat and enjoy some delicious food, I began to notice how alike we all were, yet different at the same time. There was a place for everyone at this event. And for them to be thankful enough to host a dinner for us meant the world to me. It makes me wonder why I don't do these things more often.
I met an incredible person there, Cheryl Haas, who is such an inspiring event planner and "home stager." I openly admitted to having no idea what a home stager was. Apparently there is a need in the world to "spruce" up an empty or horrific home to help it to sell. She often has offers to buy some of the furniture, too! This need is big enough that she has a warehouse to store her furniture. Who knew!? Talking to her as well as these other volunteers, I realized that most were successful and busy people in their careers, but still took the time out of their personal lives to plan such a huge event.
I really need to stop complaining about how busy I am.
I need to volunteer more.
Steve Jobs ends his speech with "Stay hungry, Stay foolish."
Maybe I am too careful. I don't take enough risks. I will still graduate with a B in my classes. Whether or not I am happy or involved is up to me.

On that note, we will be trick or treating for Camp Good Grief tomorrow in the early evening. If you have any leftover Halloween candy, please take the time to drop it by the Holiday Inn at the University of Memphis. We are using it to create a gingerbread house village to be on display at the Botanic Gardens during the holiday season, with proceeds to benefit Camp Good Grief.

Equilateral Triangles at the Bottom of a Quarry

Rain has come! It has been, what, six weeks? Sure. Six weeks since our last rain and ALAS here it is! No more burn bans! Although, it was after the downpour that I got into my car and realized that there is a leak somewhere. I mean, when you are staring into the face of an inch of water in your floorboard, clearly there is a leak. Sigh. How many financial crisis' can a girl hit before she goes out of town two weekends in a row?
I'm really excited about my scuba trip next weekend. I will be getting certified in Deep, Night/Limited Visibility, Navigation, and Boat diving. I was a little anxious about the night diving, but still excited! Although, after last night, I don't think I can handle the navigation part. I like to prepare for tests. I take the time to roughly analyze a professor's teaching skills and practices to better understand how they will test. I mean at the end of the day, for most classes, I have no use or desire in learning beyond what they will test me for. As Keith went over how we would go through certification, I freaked. I mean the guy starts talking about equilateral triangles and degrees of turns and addition and subtraction of different degrees. Math? At the bottom of the quarry? Oh and you want me to time our kicks? And make sure the entire dive is under a certain time, at a certain depth,and lets not forget to breath!
Stressed.
It should be a growing experience.
Everyone likes those.
Pelham, AL here we go!

Don't You Just Love A Good Funeral?

Funerals are incredible things. Even the most horrid of humans gift their condolences and respect to those who have lost a loved one. I love how the city respects them in traffic, allowing them to pass in their hour of grievance. It is a necessity. I cannot imagine what it is like for those who are "lost"-unknown to be dead or alive. As humans, no matter the religion, we cling to this. Many of us grieve in different ways, but a funeral forces us to reconcile with humanity. Recognize those who are still living as a new type of support, maybe more or maybe less with the recent passing.
My keyword of life lately, and probably always, is BUSY. I am too busy and I tell people I'm busy too much. I should shut up and get my neverending pile done. When my father asked me to attend the funeral of someone I never knew or met, I was hesitant. Let's face it, this is no barbecue. Although I was offered dinner in exchange- I never got it, huff! I told him I really was too busy, but when he asked please I began to wonder why he would even ask me to go. Again, I don't know this man, and have seen his left behind loved ones in quite some time. I'm glad I went.
I have never been to a graveside funeral, nor one for a military personnel. Double whammy on the firsts here. The entire grounds was hushed, seemingly out of respect, as I drove to the building. We quietly chatted outside, awaiting the family, and silently moved to our cars when they appeared. As I started mine I laughed as I realized I was trying to start my car quietly. We try, Harvey and I.
Following the line of grief, I, for whatever reason, did not feel out of place. I felt like I should be there. The scenery was beautiful and this was such a strong moment of quiet reflection. As we slowed to a stop, everyone hesitated to depart their vehicles. Again, we try so hard to uphold these silences. We all feel awkward and unsure of what to do. Funerals are not everyday life, but neither are weddings and we are quick jump in there. I guess that's the balance of life. You spend most of your time celebrating, which we should, and some reflecting. I am beginning to think, however, that I do not reflect enough. I'm "too busy."
Being pulled to this funeral was perfect timing. There were a lot of other things I could have been doing. School work, getting hours at work, or evening responding to week old e-mails. But I was there to simple be. I was there as a warm body that was showing some respect and care to those who had lost someone. I guess that is why we feel obligated to attend, to show our friends that we know they are sad and, as much as we hate to see them like that, we will be there for them anyway. It isn't all about the body in the bag. It's about not just getting through this time, but reflecting through it, too.
The wind was perfect. It really was too beautiful of a day for a funeral. The wind picked up perfectly at just the right times to blow the scent of the flowers towards the faces of mourners. I loved it. Perfect weather, pure human emotion. Raw care. As the Marines folded the flag, it was such a sight as the setting sun shine through it. One was older and the other I refuse to believe was old enough for the Marines yet.
All of these emotional triggers apparently hit my emotionless father. I could hear him sniff quietly a couple times, although you will never hear him admit things such as these. But that is a part of relating. He has already lost his own father, also a graveside funeral, and knows what it is like for his friend to lose his.
Times like these often come without warning. Forcing us to adjust our lives. We plan our graduations, interviews, weddings, even our child's birthday, and retirement. Death is the one we haven't planned, murder excepted although even that one isn't planned by loved ones (usually). You have a few days to drop it all for this momentous occasion. To show your final respect. Gather your thoughts and words. Thank God it is so rushed, so that we can see the most raw human possible. No fronts, no super planned speeches. None of the crap. It is such a beautiful sight.
This reflection of another's life brings us to serious thoughts of our own. What are we worth? What will they say when I'm gone? Will they care? Would they even know? How will I go? Is this my last Christmas? And what is on the other side, really? At the end of a life does my missing that meeting today really matter? Purpose?

Funerals are my favorite social gathering for sure.

Wicked Awesome.

It has been an incredible past two days.



Yesterday was an average work day. Afterwards Tony and I went to Blue Fin to eat some sushi before Wicked at the Orpheum. Blue Fin was good, your typical average service, great scene, overpriced "sushi lounge."

Fabulous show. Even better the second time. The music and plot line are simply amazing. The set design, including safety features integrated within the show, were remarkable. Hearing the song "For Good" reminds me of the "people" kick I've been on lately. Being thankful for every experience, past and current, which would mean nothing without the people who have come and gone I'm my life. While the acting was fabulous, it was after the show that made this song really stick.

Just after curtain call the cast stopped to tell their audience about an organization called Broadway Cares, which incidentally funds a program in our own backyard here in Memphis, Hope Works. In an attempt to stop HIV/AIDS as well as provide comfort to those affected by it, they have been asking every audience to donate $2 each. They even offered back stage tours for a $75 and a signed poster for $50. Wow. How incredible. For a group of people to take time after they essentially just got off work (exhausted, sweaty, and ready to be away from people), to encourage us to donate to this organization was incredibly impressive. They even had some of the minor characters outside in the lobby with change buckets. Now it was officially the best show I have EVER seen. I was so incredibly touched.

Today, Tony and I got up early- and by early I mean eight in the morning- and headed out to the new Greenline Trail which opened just last week. The trail is a paved biking/walking trail that covers old railroad tracks stretching from Shelby Farms to Tillman Road, near the Republic Coffee. We had so much fun! What a neat adventure. This simple path stretching through the woods, decorated in their fall foliage. We had already parked the truck and Republics and moved to Young Avenue Deli for lunch- I always recommend the Sam I Am, yum! We hauled the bikes down to Mud Island and biked the length of the Greenway Belt and back through the neighborhoods of Harbor Town. It was so great to take in the morning light through that trail and then mid-afternoon by the river, what a sight! Not to mention I love simply adoring the homes of Harbor Town. They resemble Seaside, except they are on an island on the Mississippi. For those of you who have never visited Seaside, FL the film The Truman Show was filmed entirely in the town. Essentially picture perfect one or two story zero-lot line homes with a beautiful view of the river and a very homey town square featuring all local shops and grocery, even The River Inn. Make sure you have flood insurance though.

Now, as I sit here enjoying a slightly cool evening and finishing up my pumpkin carving, I can't help but wonder why I don't spend more days like this. Throw away every homework assignment and miscellaneous obligation and spend the day exploring my city. Which, surprisingly doesn't cost as much money as you would think. Tony made a really great point today about how we always relate having fun to spending money. We spent almost nothing today, except lunch and the pumpkin, and had the greatest time ALL DAY. Not to mention, we got a lot of exercise! We biked nearly 12 miles (roughly)!

I'm really tired of hearing people complain about having nothing to do, when we have plenty of things to do (many are free) around here, it is just we have become so narrow minded to sum activities into a movie, concert, or any other formal event or entertainment venue. The greatest times I have ever had have been free ones where I learn or see something new. I guess I have hoped to explore and share some other sides of Memphis that many people don't see often. There are too many people working to change our city for us to continue griping. We are still small enough for you to help mold this city in a way you like. I encourage you to get out to one of our great parks or bike trails or even just drive around and get lost for a while. You will see some great things and probably some sad ones, too. Either way I hope it changes you for good.

A Night of Southern Elegance

I'm no cook. Seriously. I live off the microwave. I'm an expert in preparing dishes of Ramen and Easy Mac and the occasional frozen pizza- with adult supervision, of course, I'm not allowed to use the oven by myself anymore. Or the washer and dryer. Or light candles. I have no domestic skills whatsoever. I know what your thinking. How have I gone two decades without these skills? How will I continue with the next half a decade without them? Who on earth in their right mind would marry me? Who knows? Who cares?

Regardless of these facts, I am in a Food & Beverage course. It is required, I assure you. I'm halfway through and I still have my hair and all my extremities. Although I shouldn't speak so soon. I'm trying really hard. And learning a lot. I mean when you know nothing, you have a lot to gain. I'm pretty sure my group, "Folks in the Back," thinks I'm an idiot. Just to give you a brief idea of things I have openly, with a reddened face, come to learn recently- you are supposed to have salt for boiling water, a leek is not a mispronunciation of the word "leak," there are many types of ovens, knives, and even stove tops. My group has certainly had some laughs.

We have had several opportunities to get involved in the community in regards to food and beverage. I've had work every time (thank God) until last night. Last night was A Night of Southern Elegance: an Evening of Surprises. There were certainly a few surprises. Such as, there are no beverage napkins, not enough croutons or squash or strawberries, the ice is nowhere to be found, and dear God we have no bread and the menu shows bread. I showed up as a plate up volunteer to assist in making plates for the dinner of which 350 were expected to attend. My idea of plating up was placing pre-cut something on a plate. Ha! I know that I wrote that last sentence that you knew things wouldn't go that way, but in real life when you are living through the unexpected, it doesn't seem like it could wrong. Somehow, someway we always assume things will go accordingly, even though they rarely do. Funny.

I showed up and donned an extra large chef coat- essentially a chef coat dress if I were ever to decide to be a skanky cook, ha! When I was given the "itinerary" of preparing things and when they should be out I freaked. There were almost no details, only times and the other folks on my team. I was up first with salads. Salad doesn't sound difficult, I know, but you have to understand- we were FIRST! Being first is like going out on stage at a Miss America Pageant (okay I don't have ANY experience with that, but go with it), trying to impress everyone and do everything right. You have to make sure you're dressed appropriate (funny salad dressing reference!) and the best. Being first also means you have to evaluate the audience, especially the numbers in this case. 350 was the allowance for the event. 325 tickets were told. We would have no idea how many people were there until it came time for the first show, salad.

Figuring out the best way to lay out 350 on just four long tables was tricky and we ended up using trays, only to have the wait staff tell us to reduce the number of plates we had on a tray to eight, fitting each table accordingly. Soon thereafter Dr. Silkes told us we only need 325 and to get her to prepare the dressing. She was MIA when we got to 6:30, plates were supposed to be out at 7:10. Stressed. It was a frantic five minute long search before she showed up to help with the salad, mixed in a blue cube cooler with a bag inside. As she mixed we divided the lettuce among 325 plates as quickly as possible with other folks joining in to add a couple croutons (of which we ran out of after about 75% of the plates) and Parmesan. When we finished I quickly cleaned up the area, try to do as much as possible without hassling Chef. Five minutes after I threw out the bag, she asked if I could make some extra in case any came back. Crap. We used a bowl inside the cooler instead and were ready when they needed another 5 plates pushing our count to 330. Wait, 2 came back, 328.

Give me 30 seconds. Just 30 seconds to chill! After that we rearranged the back to get ready for entrees and dessert. Cleaning up and eating some really great hors d'oeuvres - I rewarded my stressed self with at least 5 chocolate covered strawberries. We chatted for a bit while our guests wined and dined. I spent the rest of my night simply trying to get plugged in. "Chef what can I do?" "Do you need this?" "Won't they be coming back for that?"

We focused on entrees next, of which I was put at scooping rice into mounds. I expected an ice cream scoop or something, nope just a spoon. By the time it was all said and done, it was like a rice bomb had blown up all over me. I felt like I was the only one making a mess, but who knows, I am seriously self conscious in the kitchen. Through the process, there was random hold ups. At first just myself in failed attempts to make a clean perfect mound on the plate. Next, we were all told to stop and we were working too quickly to get the plates out. That happened several times and then we ran out of squash. Gasp. Not that anyone likes squash anyway. Bluh. And maintaining the food's heat was the toughest, especially with the holding. All in all though, it went well. Plus the dessert team was finished and ready to go out after we finished.

Clean-up was intense, although we weren't left to do too much, but I had a great time getting to know some fellow majors and adults that simply wanted to help in their community to raise money for Fayette Cares. The organization itself sounds incredible, dealing with any troubles that could possibly come ones way in Fayette County. For more information on it, click here. It really felt great to spend a Saturday night having a great time and learning A LOT. I loved the fast pace. It has really made me consider event planning as an option for the future.

I couldn't believe how many people told me they were thankful for our time, especially since there was so much else we could be doing on a Saturday night. Actually, I don't have much. But I guess if you feel someone is a busy college student then volunteer work probably goes at the bottom. But, in my past few volunteer experiences (the farmer's market, Major Day, St. Jude) I have had some of the greatest times in Memphis. It has made me realize how much this city has to offer. I love feeling involved and in the loop. Any every experience has been something new. I have learned more about the community, an area of life I'm not familiar with, and even myself - for example, learning that I really like learning new things and doing something new. That I definitely prefer fast paced pressure in a work environment. I tend to take the lead in managing people, even if it is back of the house cooking and I have no skills.

Maybe I do it just to keep from spending time by myself. But ultimately I think I feel guilty for spending a day unproductive. I think sometimes I get too busy and don't give enough time to friends and family that they all deserve. I depend on them so much to keep my life sane. I run so much my house, my car, and my errands just fall by the wayside. I have no idea what I would do without them. I guess no matter how independent I try to be, I will still depend on my friends and family.

All in all, a wonderful weekend so far. Now off to finish my workday and then to see Wicked!

Found My Place

As of recently I have been talking a lot about how much I feel a call to the hospitality industry and certainly even above and beyond that. But at one point this week I was really wondering what I was going to do. Money is tight. REALLY tight. The industry in general doesn't pay much until you get to the top. I have considered changing over to accounting on several occasions. One such occasion was this past week. I mean I could still work for Disney and live where I would like to, just as a behind the scene accountant. Then, when I really needed a pick me up, so to speak, I was blessed so uniquely. Last weekend, one of my guests brought me a $25 Target gift card, just for remembering their names and preferences. I spent 45 minutes having a great conversation with another who is a friend of the Kemmons Wilson family and offered an evening to dine with them (they fund my largest scholarship). One of my extended stays, who knew I was considering a trip to Bonnaroo this upcoming summer, brought me a new Bonneroo t-shirt and offered their home since they would be out of town for the event! Another guest, who always happens to bring them when I am a little stressed, brought me some Muddy's cupcakes. One was the new pumpkin pie, yum! I wrote him a thank you note for always being so thoughtful and put it under his door. Yesterday, on my way to work I only had 10 miles left in my tank and didn't know how I was going to fill it and still pay for my insurance for the month. Not to mention the other bills that have been piling up, due before month-end, before my unpaid scuba trip and new york trip. As I walked up to the desk, there was a card taped to the counter with my name on it. It was such an encouraging note, plus a $25 American Express gift card. I had a ride home! My cupcake guest had left it for me. He always has such great timing. Whenever I get upset, I often feel alone and almost as soon as the feeling start in, there is always someone there to look out for me and encourage me. I'm not a super family oriented person. We have never been that close, especially before the divorce, but I feel like all my life, God has presented some amazing people as mentors and help along the way. I will never cease to be amazed at how many people have made such an effort to see me succeed: from my friend's parents and family to teachers and professors to my wonderful friends in Orlando, I will never be able to tell them thank you enough for the encouragement and support, for the simple faith they have in me. It has meant the world. I would not be the same person without them.



One of those great people is a professor of mine who is helping to host a charity dinner tonight for fayette cares in Oakland, TN. If you would like to volunteer, meet out there at 4 or simply buy a plate, I don't think they are sold out yet!

My soul finds rest in God alone.

It is funny how life passes us by. I remember when I was around 8 and I would count how many more school years I had to start - excluding college. My family wasn't one to encourage college in the beginning. I guess back then no one thought we would make it. At least I didn't. I can't believe that at only eight I never thought a college would accept me. Then again, I was looking to Princeton for approval. Clearly I have since dropped my high standards. Only 9 more first days of school. And then I would be done. I wasn't happy about switching to a private school, but they told me that princeton would take me if i went to a private school. Okay, deal, I'll do it. Even then, though, I never thought I would make it to the end. To be eighteen? How old. My cousin was only 15 at the time and I told myself I wouldn't even make it that far. I just could not see myself as an 18 year old, much less 20. It seemed too far off. All the eighteen year olds I saw were grown up and pretty. I would never be pretty. And how would I ever handle being on my own? I'm not so sure I've accomplished either one, but I would have never guessed what I had coming to me. I never knew belonging somewhere.
When I moved from public to private school at the precious year of third grade, I was not happy to say the least. I felt alone. I mean my brother and I wouldn't play on the same playground or have class in the same hallway anymore. I remember walking in with my dad and it was starting to snow. I almost started crying. I felt like I was a 2 year old being dumped on the babysitter. I remember being by myself with the teacher until the other kids got back from some other activity. They all walked in, just looking at me. Instantly, my clothes felt uncomfortable and old. The case was the same with my backpack and school supplies. I then realized I didn't have markers. Crap. I lived for markers and I didn't have them on this awful day. And of course we had to use markers later in the day and I, the different new kid, had to borrow. The next few years were the same. I always felt behind academically and socially. Teachers criticized my cursive (who even uses cursive anyway?) and I had nothing to talk about at lunch because I didn't play any sports and I didn't pass auditions for Saintly Singers. I was the only kid who auditioned and did not get in, mind you.
The middle school transition made things worse. Everyone gets awkward in middle school, but if you start out awkward, you're just plain doomed. I made and lost a few friends pretty quickly. When I told my mom I wanted back in public schools, she denied that request pretty fast. At that point I really didn't know what else to do. I had dreamed of how perfect this school was going to be for me a few years earlier. It was going to have a second floor and the teachers would be genuinely interested. Plus it was a Christian school so everyone would be nicer, right? Cough. It is amazing the things kids pick up on. I had no interest in staying with the Christian kids, they weren't any nicer. I mean they were just more awful. I missed my old friends who showed God's love even if they didn't believe in Him. So I just pushed through. Treat it as if it were the simple dull pain of a headache. I had not motivation to do very well in school, I simply wasn't as smart as the smart kids (who still lead social lives in cool clubs) or as cool as the cool kids.
The summer before high school, I got my braces off and acquired a pretty cool haircut. I became particular about my clothing and makeup. I woke up at 5 am to go to an institution that did not start until 8. I was committed to doing better for myself in high school. Not much changed in the beginning. I got a boyfriend. Met some cool people and pushed through, focusing on the boyfriend mind you. I got involved with his church, this already being my third "church home" at only 14. The first was purely daycare services with a cool Jesus sunday on the side and the second a much larger church in the area that was well, just as awful as school, and given the option, I would rather play N64 with my brother on a Wednesday night and sleep in on Sundays. I made some good friends at that church that seemed to accept me at first. But I soon came to realize that I was clearly more liberal than they had anticipated and expected of someone who dated this guy. When we broke up, I was no longer welcome. No one talked to me anymore, I was scum of the sinner's earth. Slight migraine, push through.
I spent some time with my friends and then got a job, which took up most of my time. I really liked my job and I did well as far as I knew. I liked my slight independence. I liked having a couple friends even if I still didn't deem it worthwhile to wake up for the hell hole everyday. I got another boyfriend and somehow repeated the cycle again. Five churches in, I think I'm done. We got back together, sans my church attendance, and moved through high school to college. I wasn't involved much. Just spent time with him. Most of my friends went out of town to school. Leaving me with him. Not that he is a bad guy or it was awful, just saying he was all I really had at that point. I was uninvolved at school, which basically caused me to question what I was doing there. Why didn't I go to UCF where I wanted to be? Why didn't I get my way like everyone else at the rich white private school? I worked so hard, balancing work, bills, and school. They did nothing except land in the right womb at the right time.
When I got laid off I was done with Memphis. I had been screwed over for the last time. I was leaving and going where I wanted to go, Orlando. I made real friends that didn't care what I, nor my parents, made. It didn't matter. All that mattered was that we had a good time and had enough money to eat. I met people who were odd like me in an outgoing way. I had a job at company I would really flourish at, I could feel it. This was where I belong.
After all those years of misery, when you find the right thing, you know it. My true love was my job, my company, my city, my roommates. It is an unbelievable happiness. Its unlike anything else. I would not truly know God without the hardships and that reward. God is love. He is the passion within me that I never knew was there. He is the passion in others who love to share it. He is not comfy pews or high standards. He is found in a welcoming friend who isn't perfect, but simply themselves, willing to accept you the way you are. It is times like those or moments in St. Jude that I have found God. I don't think I have nor ever will see God inside of four walls. He is too big, too original for that. And so am I.
I would give anything to have those times back. And I hope to someday. Upon my return I stopped finding the hatred and started seeking the love in my own city until I go back home to Orlando. It wasn't far. It is all in a matter of seeking. God asks us to be fishers of men. That means you don't sit in the boat with high standards waiting on the ONLY fish you, of such high quality, will ACCEPT on God's behalf to throw themselves inside. You are not the judge. You are not an "after-life" insurance agent. Stop selling the get-out-of-hell free card and expecting people to go somewhere with their faith. God is action and love, not lukewarm faith. Showing God's love is not shoving theology down peoples throats or hypocritical standards. I can't wait to be back where I belong, in sync with my relationships and seeing God outside of some gaudy cross, but at least I have realized how to continue searching and learning here.